


A Broken Symphony

by RuthlessBallard



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 22:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 37,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15350016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RuthlessBallard/pseuds/RuthlessBallard
Summary: Kathryn has been captured by a mysterious and ruthless race. The once formidable captain is overcome by grief as she listens to the pained cries of a crew member. Very dark (clearly).





	1. Crescendo

So this is where I stand. Listening to my ensigns screams. I don't know the name of the creatures who have captured us or even what they look like but they are smart. They knew what crew member to go after, in hopes to break me. At least, that is what we assumed at first. I glance over to BE'Lanna and I see it in the fires of her large brown eyes.

Why didn't they take one of us?

Senior officers are usually the ones who are dragged away and will suffer under whatever medieval form of torture their captor has in store. As commanding officers we suffer for our crew, lose limbs for our crew, lose sanity for our crew, and happily lose our lives for our crew. Usually, they make some poor, young Ensign listen to the cries of their commanding officer. For most, their short lives offer no training on how to handle that kind of fear and so they break.

But not this round.

How was I to know that our half-hour runabout would be commandeered by a species who never show themselves and say very little? This species reads your fear like a god damned book. They know my crew is everything. This crew is all I have. The crew may look upon me as a distant but benevolent leader, I worked so hard for that. But underneath my cool facade I look upon this crew as my children. As we fight and scrape our way across this quadrant we have grown so dependent on one another. Our tiny, beautiful, brave little crew is all of humanity in this corner of the universe. Their faces are a common fixture in my dreams and those same faces keep me awake at night. I should be disgusted with myself for allowing the members of my crew to become unwittingly my source of strength. What can I say? Im a fool in love. They won me over. I am theirs completely. I take note of the subtle changes in their appearance, who they talk to and listen for the milestones in their lives no matter how small and in silence I celebrate them all.

I have lost count of how many hours or even days it has been since they dragged the girl away. We have made demands, we have attempted escape routes, we have refused food, we have plotted, we have schemed, we have begged, and we have prayed.

I can tell we have been here for some time. I can see it in the way our once pristine uniforms now hang from our bodies like dirty drapery. My chief officer's stone features have shifted into a crazed glare. At first she would let me know of her disgust of me for not being more. Overtime, her accusations eased into a cold stare and then the stare was redirected to the ghosts in her mind dancing around in the shadows.

BE'lanna collapses from her pacing. We lost the need to say anything so long ago. I close my eyes and think of the girl just a few rooms away.

She cries out for mercy

Her profile claims she wasn't remarkable in her graduating class but I know she never cuts corners in her work

She cries out to her god

I sometimes see her chat up Naomi when work is slow

She cries out to her mother

Her hair is long, to long to put it in the common Starfleet up do so she puts it in a lovely braid down her back.

Her screams are weakening

She works in Ops. When she can't sleep she cleans plasma manifolds. Chakotay says it maybe her way of meditating. But I fear it's her way of penance.

There's shuffling

She was terrified of water. I don't know why but she overcame that fear when on an away mission with Tom.

A Bang

BE'lanna and I jump. We feel helpless. For a moment, I watch my chief engineer once again pound her fist against the wall, mashing her hand is a bloody mess. She's done it so many times I've lost count. I know soon a blue light will scan over our bodies, realigning her bludgeoned fingers and alleviating my constant vomiting. They keep us well enough to stay aware but weak enough to remain their captives.

I place my head against the adjacent wall, I place my hands flat against the cool surface. I realize I have been crying. For how long? Im not sure. My breath catches as I summon more facts about my young ensign.

A sob

Her brother was in the Maquis. They had a falling out because of it. I feel she must regret that everyday.

Shuffling.

BE'lanna steps to the mouth of our cell.

An agonized groan.

I take a step back.

Footsteps.

I glance towards BE'lanna only to be ignored.

My heart stops. My ensign appears. Her captures still in shadow. She is thrown at our feet. I fall to my knees as BE'lanna cries out a slew of curse words towards the figures slinking away into the inky black surrounding our cell.

I press my trembling fingers against her neck. Her pulse is weak but I live for the soft drumbeat singing against my skin. She's alive. I roll her to her side in fear she may vomit. Her eyes are unfocused and her small frame trembles. I find myself stroking her matted and bloody hair.

"Ensign" I call out. I hate the way the word tumbled from my lips in a choked sob "Can you hear me Ensign?"

A soft whine exits her lips. I look around helplessly. There is no tricorder to examine her state of being, no medical kit, not even a god damned comm badge. Her pulse is weakening. I look down to see her delicate skin slowly ease into a shade of grey.

I feel doom and I am well aware of the inevitable.

"Ensign you stay with me!" my voice cracks as my emotions continue to betray my authority "That's an order!"

She gurgles up blood as she attempts to speak, as her hand reaches for mine. I don't want to take it. I know what she is asking.

"Don't speak" I offer weakly

She grasps my hand refusing to leave her body without someone there.

"Ensign please you do- -" I sputter

She's saying something, I know it. I lean in close to the point her lips could brush against my ear.

"I…" she sighs "…home…home."

I feel my body go cold along with the child prostrated on the floor. I hear screaming. It isn't the roar of a half-mad Klingon that I have grown so accustomed to. It's broken and raw. It sounds so primal and I know it's a sound that comes from deep within. I listen to the cries until I realize it's coming from me. BE'lanna joins in but with more fervor only for her roar to die out as she watches me. The sounds I make bounce off the walls of our cell building into a dissonant crescendo. I feel a strong hand on the back of my neck pull me forward as BE'lanna places her forehead against mind. She allows a guttural sob to escape her lips. Together, we perform a broken symphony of failure, grief, and agony.

I gather the child into my arms and cradle her against my chest. The world around me shimmers as our bodies vibrates into the cosmos. I know how Chakotay will find us as I feel us materialize back onto the ship. I try not to imagine my first officer witnessing his captain and chief engineer crying out to nothing cradling yet another crew member, yet another family member they have failed.


	2. Not Real

I lay there, a top my covers, with my hands folded over my stomach. I stare up at the ceiling with unblinking eyes and a scattered mind. The siege of information that has been given to me in the last twelve hours crash over me like a tsunami wave.

Drugged

Scientific experiments

Two months

It wasn't real….it wasn't real…not…real…

"Two months" I say out loud. I can barely believe it. Im so numb I can barely believe anything really.

I hear my door chime. I ignore it as I roll to my side and curl up into a ball. He'll override the code in just a moment, just as he always does. He will come to me timid but assuming, just as he always will. I close my eyes. I'm not ready to look at him.

I hear the doors swish open and his heavy footsteps enter my over lit domain. I should be surprised Im near sleep with the illumination nearly up to full capacity. Im aware that the darkness wasn't really as prevalent as we assumed. It was just a clever trick brought on by a simple formula of chemicals I so foolishly breathed into my lungs. I feel shame surge through me. For two months, I breathed in poison and hallucinated. For two months, where we could have found a way home I sat in a corner experiencing a bad trip.

He's at the foot of the bed now. He looms over me. I imagine he's assessing me now, trying to decide what action will be most to my benefit. I can almost hear his silent and constant prayers. His heavy frame jostles the bed slightly as he lays beside me and Im thankful my back is turned to him.

"Kathryn" he says softly.

I remain still.

"Kathryn" he says once more "Im here. I never left."

My stomach lurches. I turn my face into the pillow as hot tears burn behind closed lids. I feel his touch and I shudder. The last time we touched he was tearing my grip from the limp Ensign as I cried out it agony. He then was forced to pin me down long enough for me to be sedated.

"Let go! Let go! It's over! It's all over!" He cried out to me over and over and over.

I let out a weak cry as he pulls me against him.

"It wasn't real" I groan

"It was real enough" he whispers into my hair "it was real enough"

He's held me like this before. After my time with the borg, he held me just like this. To him it's a sacred moment that will go unspoken. To him this is a moment we shall hide under our uniforms the next day on the bridge, much like sex but on a deeper level, the deepest level imaginable. He honors this moment and I resent it.

Im sure I smell like a sickbay. I can still taste bile lingering on my breath. I can still feel my body vibrate with shivers every now and then. Though, the worst of the poison is gone, for some time my body won't completely be my own.

He holds me for what I assume is over an hour. He strokes my hair even through a short but violent wrenching fit. He gives me another hypospray to help ease my abdominal muscle pain from the relentless spasms.

"BE'lanna?" I finally ask

"She's in the same boat and complaining more about it" Chakotay chuckles "But she's doing fine."

"I…..her?" I ask softly

His breath stills but only for a moment.

"Stable" He says "The Doctor is hopeful"

I say nothing. Though I know Chakotay would never lie to me, I feel I can't believe him. I sit up abruptly only for the walls to start spinning. The cortical stimulator located behind my left ear beeps loudly. I fall back slightly only to be caught by my doting first officer. I lightly finger the device.

"Forgot about that thing" I say weakly

My commbadge beeps. I slap it.

"I know!" I say indignantly

"I should not have to remind you captain both you and Miss Torres are not ready for ANY activity! I must have a malfunctioning subroutine to have let you out of this sickbay!" The Doctor laments

"She's fine doctor" I hear Chakotay respond beside me "I'll keep an eye on her."

I swing my legs to the side of the bed, easing away from his embrace and rest my head in my hands. I should be thankful for my first officer's diligence and how I am finally back "home" after pining for what felt to be an eternity in that box of nightmares. As I listen to Chakotay get up from the bed and order me some ginger tea, I start to understand some of BE'lanna's hatred towards me. But instead of wanting more from him I want less. I want him to leave me be and allow me to lose myself in the unfamiliar feelings ravaging my senses.

I look up at him and he looks at me like I hung the moon. Somehow, that hurts even more.

"I feel like I'm losing a child" I laugh bitterly "I've never even given birth."

"You do kind of mother the crew" he offers

I take the steaming cup from his hands and blow on the amber liquid before taking a tentative sip. I wince as the warmth eases down my aching esophagus and what I assume is the remnants of my stomach. I feel him watching me. He's picturing me as a mother now, a mother to his child. Im sure he's imagining me cradling a squirming infant to my chest, placing kisses on the soft crown of the child's head as I breathe in that baby-fresh-from-the-bath smell. Perhaps, he see's a baby with dark wisps of hair, a round face and an irish nose dusted with freckles on soft carmel skin. I won't lie, I've imagined it too. I'm sure right now, just for a moment, he makes believe Im drinking ginger tea due to morning sickness and not a mysterious poisonous gas.

"I don't know how Sam does it" I admit "To love a child so much in a place like this"

"She's very strong. But Im sure having an entire ship looking out for Naomi helps" He says with his usual smirk

My finger traces over the mouth of the mug, the cool metal against my skin feels soothing until a for a moment I thought I felt a heartbeat and for a moment Im looking down at an angelic face losing its vibrancy. The cup lets out an odd thud as I smack it onto the nightstand.

"Kathryn?" he asks in concern

I stand on my shaky limbs and tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear before turning to him.

"I need a bath" I say "You must be exhausted"

He understands he's being dismissed but to my surprise I see that Maquis flicker in his eyes.

"Well, as your appointed caregiver, I will happily wait just outside the door in case you need me" He announces proudly

"You jest, Commander"

"You don't think The Doctor would have let you out of sickbay so soon otherwise would you?"

"Well I un-appoint you then"

"Im afraid that's impossible, Captain"

"Let me guess. You have a PADD."

The device is presented and I scan it's contents. Sure enough, the doctor has taken it upon himself to activate medical law, going over my head. I have also overlooked the fact that Chakotay has been the acting captain in my absence and command won't be handed over to me until my medical leave is finished. In any other situation, I would march to sickbay and make that damn hologram retract his protocol. But I don't have the energy to fight and by the sad smile gracing Chakotay's face, he knows it. I hand the PADD back to him and slowly make my way to the dresser.

"Chakotay" I say sardonically as I rummage through my limited articles of clothing

"Yes, Captain?" he asks with a smile in his voice

"Was I mistaken that Mr Paris also signed off for your….new position?"

"No you were not"

"Remind me to speak with Mr Neelix tomorrow about Mr Paris's lack of vegetable intake. I think more leeola root should do the trick. Health is key. Don't you think?"

"I couldn't agree more."

I give him a smile before taking sanctuary.


	3. Floating

The water laps around my body and eases my muscles enough to allow the random twitches to lessen. I prop my feet up on each side of the facet and scoot lower into the tub. My head turns when I hear Chakotay moving about my quarters, possibly making a dinner Im not sure I have the stomach to eat. I stare at the door willing him to leave but I know he won't. My eyes drop to my hand resting on the side of the tub, it looks different somehow. I hold it up to examine long boney fingers, pale, freckled and I smile a little when I realize I have my mother's hands.

Usually, I would play Mozart or an exciting holonovel to fill the spaces in the small enclosure. Usually, when I ease into the tub I don't want to hear myself think but for now I need to reflect, I need to revel in the agony of my subconscious.

I wonder what BE'lanna is doing to handle her grief. I know she's most likely fighting tooth and nail to throw herself into work or at least throwing herself into a rigorous holodeck program. Either way, she is certainly giving Tom and the Doctor hell. The chuckle bubbling in my throat ceases its movement when my mind shifts to the unconscious ensign laying on a biobed in sickbay. The taste of my laughter turns bitter.

They drugged me to near insanity. I can handle that. But what in gods name did they do to her?

The Doctor gave very little information due to the fact he didn't know much. All he could say is that we weren't hallucinating her removal and she did suffer common inflictions of an abduction. But the drug she was administered was different and the long term effects are much less predictable. A jolt of anger rushes through me and I slap the water with a growl.

A knock on the door.

I groan.

"Kathryn?"

"Im fine!" I call back indigently

He's quiet on the other side and I immediately feel guilt.

"The case of the runaway soap!" I joke weakly "I plan to put it in the brig after this."

He chuckles and I relax.

"We'll put up a level ten force field when you do. Dinner is ready whenever you get out."

"Thank you."

It's ridiculous how much I crave solace after being locked up in a cage for two months but my mind has been so loud and I will never rest until there is silence. I lean my head back and simply, as a creature of habit, I ask the computer to play a classical tune to fill the spaces.

Time passes and despite a few twitches, my body is motionless. As I examine the tiles of my ceiling the corners of my vision begins to close in and soon everything….

is

fading

out.

My eyes snap open and I laugh at myself for dozing off in the tub. I no longer hear Chakotay's shuffle and I decide to trudge out of the bathroom before another impromptu wellness check. I stand and am pleasantly surprised by how much the warm soak has done wonders for my spastic muscles. I am quick to dry off, dress and run a brush through damp locks. When I exit the bathroom, Im surprised not to see my trusty companion perched on the bed or shuffling about with medial tasks. It doesn't take me long to know he's not there.

Odd.

I worry that an emergency has called my first officer away so I scramble for a comm badge until I remember mine was removed from my kidnappers and I had not been issued a replacement.

"Computer" I call out

a beep of acknowledgment

"Locate Commander Chakotay"

"Specify"

"Specify? Where is Commander Chakotay located in the ship?"

"Specify"

"How much more specific can I get?"

"Specify"

I let out a huff of frustration. I decided to march down to engineering to get to the bottom of the current predicament, medical leave be damned.

The doors to my quarters swing open and I step out shaking off the slight embarrassment of my crew seeing me not in my usual pristine Starfleet uniform. Thankfully, the hallway appears to be deserted. My worry doesn't peak until I realize all the hallways are abandoned. I quicken my pace to get to the nearest turbolift, my hand reaches for the lift's monochrome buttons when I hear a soft whine behind me.

I turn to see just fifteen feet away, the young ensign I once cradled in my arms. A lump forms in my throat as she gazes back at me. Her skin still holds a tinge of grey, she's still wearing a medical gown and by the confused grimace contorting her angelic features, Im aware she may not know exactly where she is.

I take a step forward and she backs away timidly.

"Ensign" I say softly "It's all right."

She remains frozen. Her eyes scanning me as I can see her going over the thousands of options running through frantic thoughts.

"Do you know where you are?" I ask. I feel as if Im coaxing a small animal out of a trap. I yearn to pull her in close. She looks so fragile.

She opens her mouth to speak and I wince when I see her teeth are still stained with blood.

"Home…home" she croaks.

My stomach twists as she utters her haunting words.

"You are home" I coo "You're back on Voyager."

"Home…" She repeats a little louder

I take a step forward and to my relief she remains still.

"You're safe now." I say softly as I continue a slow, timid journey towards her "You're back on Voyager and we're going to take care of you."

"Home." She repeats fervently, desperately.

We are face to face now and I place a firm hand on her shoulder. She recoils for a moment but steels herself before looking me directly in the eye. She opens her mouth to speak again but stops. She looks over my shoulder and a look of sheer terror is the mask she wears. I turn to see a dark figure standing inside the turbolift. Quickly, I pull the young woman to my side and start running into the opposite direction. I feel the ensign try to keep up but her legs simply refuse to work properly and I end up supporting almost all her weight.

"Red Alert! Computer Intruder Alert!" I bellow

"Specify" The automatic voice responds

"Jesus Christ!"

My lungs already burn and the weight I carry is getting harder and harder to support. I feel my body slowly give out and the two of us fall to our knees. I look up to see another dark figure coming our way and the figure behind us has caught up enough to grip onto my shoulder. I hear a familiar gurgle and I turn to see my broken companion spit up blood. She collapses into my arms and I start to scream.

"No! No! Not again! Not again!" I hear myself cry out.

The hand on my shoulder tightens its grip and begins to shake me. I take no mind. The woman in my arms is motionless and I long for BE'lanna's presence.

"Not again! Not again!" I repeat in a strangled mantra. I can feel her blood seep into my clothes, into my skin, into my soul. I am aware her blood will never leave me. I am acutely aware I will be forever stained of her sacrifice for my failure. I am covered in the stains of blood of my crewman who have died under my command. They have died due to my failure.

The dark figure jostles me and for the first time it makes a sound. It's calling to me by name. Kathryn! Kathryn! Kathryn! I groan as my world begins to fade.

Kathryn! Kathryn! Medical Emergency Transport! Kathryn!

Im falling into darkness. I pray that death will come soon. "Please" I plead. For what? I don't know. To whom? It doesn't matter to me now. I just hope the darkness will end. I can still hear the dark figure calling my name.

Kathryn!

Im floating in nothing but I feel a shift. A hiss. I let out a whine. Another shift.

She'll come to in just a moment.

It's ok Kathryn.

Suddenly, there is light. Its blurred and blinding but I am very aware of my new reality. My eyes adjust to the sickbay lights and I see Chakotay standing over me.

"What happened?" I ask

He examines me with an expression that is unreadable.

"You fell asleep in the tub" He explained "You started screaming and I couldn't wake you."

"Brain waves are at a normal rate and everything else seems to be running in order" The Doctor announced as he waved his tricorder over me. I attempt to sit up and become aware that I am dressed only in a soaked bath towel. My hand slaps over my chest and I lay back down in fear of exposing my backside.

"My prognosis is the Captain simply had a bad dream" The Doctor exclaimed slapping his device shut "Though I do suggest more appropriate sleeping quarters next time."

I give the hologram the best glare a woman can give dressed in only a soaked towel, after further embarrassing herself with her lack of self control. I can't help but shiver as the cool, filtered air of the sickbay clings onto my wet skin.

"Doctor, may we get a gown for the Captain?" Chakotay requests somewhat curtly

"Certainly" The Doctor says with a nod before turning away.

Chakotay looks to me for only a moment and quickly looks away. Another shiver runs through my body and I turn my head away only to see the young ensign laying peacefully on the main exam table. I feel my heart skip a beat when I take note that her pallor looks less grey than when I had last seen her.

"Let me guess, the Captain has not eaten yet." The Doctor states, back at my side, holding a blue medical gown.

"I was cooking dinner when she….when the incident occurred" Chakotay explained.

"I would suggest supervised showers from now on and I will provide you with a mild sedative to help the Caption enter dreamless sleep. She needs rest." The Doctor explained with a slight tone of defeat. "You're free to go".

My first officer turns away as I sit up and peel the towel off of me.

"No argument for me to stay? No extra quips about coffee intake? What bug snuck into his program?" I ask with a grin

"He discovered BE'lanna during a drug withdrawal was more than he could handle. But come to think of it BE'lanna anytime is more than he can handle" Chakotay chuckles.

"Decent" I say as I place to feet on the ground and savor the feel of dry fabric on my skin. But my mind shifts back to the other patient in the quiet sickbay and within moments I am by her bedside.

Her face has been washed, no more blood. Her long blonde hair is splayed about the pillow and brows are no longer knitted in anguish. But she looks weak and her breath is labored. I take her hand.

I know Chakotay is beside me, he always is.

"This." I say softly "This is Starfleet" my thumb brushes over her soft knuckles "We're alone here. So very alone. But we have to keep Starfleet alive."


	4. The Mistress of Kahless

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Beep.

I've grown to find the sounds the little PADD emits rather calming when reviewing reports. I chuckle at what a creature of habit I have become. Though, considering the multitude of surprises the Delta Quadrant has offered us thus far, it should come to no surprise that as humans, we would crave some form of routine.

My door chimes.

"Enter" I call out, not bothering to look up. Sometimes, when I am aware that it is the ever anxious Ensign Kim and Im feeling mischievous, I hold out on looking up to test how long the poor boy can take the silence before his nerves take over. Mr Paris once took notice and complimented my devious prank which I naturally denied.

"Interesting report, Captain?" Mr Neelix chirped

"Efficient" I state wryly "Very efficient, Mr Neelix"

"Let me guess" He chuckled "Astrometric's?"

"I believe if you looked up efficient in the database, Seven would appear" I jest "What can I do for you?"

I watch the Talaxian bounce excitedly on the balls of his feet before placing a tray of exotic dishes on the coffee table.

"Commander Chakotay informed me that a trip down to the mess hall is still a bit taxing for you so of course I thought to bring the mess hall to you!" He announces proudly

"Oh, you didn't have to do that." I reply meekly

I was touched by the kind creature's actions. But I can't help but sense my smile somewhat falter at the mention of the mess hall. Though my stomach has been slowly recovering in the week and a half since my rescue, the thought of the congregated eating area puts me at unease, especially since just a few nights before.

I was feeling restless that night and in need to escape the ever closing confines of my quarters. I also felt it was keen to reconnect with my crew in order to give a sense of normalcy, especially with one of our own still unconscious in sick bay.

I had made my way slowly to the mess hall, mostly to savor the calming stroll through the ship but also to save my ever elusive energy. I entered the bustling area only to be immediately greeted by a chipper Harry Kim and my dearest Tuvok. They were quick to invite me to their table even though I was only there for a hot cup of ginger tea. I was scanning the room of the faces that held my quiet affection when my eyes connected with a familiar stare. There sat my once fiery engineer. She was wrapped in the protective arm of her doting husband, she had paused from gingerly prodding her food and she was examining me….closely. No longer did she stare at me with the look of crazed indignation. No longer did her lips curve into an ever present snarl. It was much worse.

Her eyes had no fire or sparkle. For a moment, I was lost in the dark abyss of her a gaze and I was consumed by her unrelenting sadness. I was consumed by the little girl who had suffered the reality of her deepest shame, exposed to the cruel world by a genetic tattoo across her forehead. I was consumed by a young woman who had found solace in a group of rebels only for them to be blotted out from existence before she could even say goodbye. I was consumed by the beautiful creature thrown into the depths of madness only to be pulled back by the cries of her captain, a nearly dead girl and a cold hypospray against her neck. I was consumed and spat out.

Our gaze lasted only for a moment until with a slight tremble of her lip, she looked away.

It was then I felt my knees go weak and asked if one of the gentlemen could be kind enough to escort me to my quarters. Harry, the ever helpful, replicated a steaming cup for me in record time and gladly gave me his arm. I held myself together enough to discuss ice-cream and book recommendations until we reached the doors of my quarters. I surprised my sweet escort with a kiss on the cheek, entered my quiet home and allowed the tears to fall without a fight.

"So what do you think, Captain?" Neelix asks with an eagerness of a child as his words pull me from my recent memory.

"Im sorry…what?" I ask sheepishly

"What do you think of the spread? Don't worry! The Doctor ensured that I covered all your nutrient needs while still going easy on the tummy!"

"It's so sweet and so…..much"

The platter before me could easily be a meal for three people, three very hungry people. The eager Talaxian presented me a platter of edible treats in every size, shape and color that one could think of.

"Neelix I don't….Its so…I don't think I can eat all this."

My relationship with food could be defined more of an acquaintance at best pre-kidnap. My mind is usually running at warp ten and therefore so is my anxiety. So naturally, the plan to sit down for a decent meal is put on the back burner. Now that I can't help but face the wonderments of stomach acid whenever I eat or the surprise waves of nausea, food has become the least of my affections.

"Oh I don't expect you to! I just thought a little variety would be nice" the kind chef explains.

"Well then" I say as I place the PADD beside me "Why don't you join me in my battle of the banquet!"

I can't help but giggle as I watch the creatures face brighten with a smile that could light up the quadrant. I decide to let myself enjoy this moment in time as my plate is piled with an assortment of treats, each explained in great detail. The bright demeanor of my dinner companion is the perfect juxtaposition from the dark shadows that have been dancing through my mind. But above all he is so gracious and so patient. As our meal drags on he pretends he doesn't notice how slowly I eat or when I wince as my digestion relearns its purpose. My conversation with Mr Kim is repeated and elaborated on but this time I don't have to fight back tears. I enjoy that the taste of my laughter doesn't taste bitter and I marvel at Neelix's ability to allow me to feel supported but never smothered.

"Did you always like to cook?" I ask as I lean back and rest my hands on my already bloated stomach.

"Not when I was a youngling. Oh boy! Did I grumble and moan when my mother would call me to the kitchen for another lesson" Neelix chuckles before his eyes grow misty " But now…now it's a part of me. I love every minute I stand over a steaming pot or sizzling pan. I feel my mother with me and I just feel…good."

"She would be so proud of you."

"You're to kind"

"Im proud of you"

My compliment takes him by surprise. I smile and if Im not mistaken, I believe he's blushing. He looks as though as he is struggling to say something big but feels the weight of an uncertain outcome. I sit up slightly and nod. He shifts about and looks down at his large spotted hands.

"When you were gone…I…we…it just wasn't…."

He lets out a defeated sigh as once again his words come out as a jumbled mess.

"I missed you too" I conclude.

He looks at me both with embarrassment and relief before slapping a hand on the table.

"It's getting late! You should get some rest! We don't want The Commander getting to comfortable in the Captains seat!" He chirps before standing.

"He better not!" I say with a laugh.

I walk him to the door before he turns to me one last time.

"It's…really good to have you back. It's really good to have all of you back" He states with a nod.

Im unsure of what else to say so I nod as well and watch him turn away as the doors slide shut.

I know I should head to bed but the thought of another night of running from shadowy figures in my dreams sends a chill down my spine. I glance about my quarters and my eyes fall on the discarded PADD on the couch. I consider finishing the read but the contents are predictable. I close my eyes fighting the urge to stroll the ship, I know where it will take me. It will take me back to her. So many nights I patrol the quiet cocoon that is Voyager, with not much thought only to find myself face to face of the sickbay doors. I pinch the bridge of my nose as I chastise myself for my lack of self control. But I shouldn't feel surprised when I turn and exit.

This time I am more aware. This time I don't take my time. My strides are long and each step is made with purpose. I'm going to see her. I can't handle one more journey through the long corridors of my ship only to find myself at the doors of sickbay and chickening out of going in. Naturally, I check on the progress of the ensign's health daily. But since the night of my bathtub incident, I'm unable to bare the thought of that little body, lying on a sickbay bed, unmoving and barely alive.

Here I am. Standing before charcoal doors and Im fighting the screaming contradictions in my mind. I take a deep breath and the doors slide open. I enter quietly.

I stop when I see a figure sitting beside the ensign's bed whom clearly, is not the doctor. BE'lanna is reclined in a chair as she reads from what sounds to be a Klingon romance novel. I'm at first alarmed at how thin my chief engineer has become but I'm well aware we all have returned from our stint in the box of nightmares a little less than what we were before. I feel my heart warm when I realize BE'lanna is holding the young woman's hand as she reads and despite the harsh, guttural sounds of the klingon language, her words have a maternal undertone. I'm watching BE'lanna's thumb stroke the woman's knuckles just as I had before until I realize the movements have stopped and so have the words.

She looks at me somewhat bewildered. I feel my cheeks begin to burn and I feel as though I have walked in on two crewman in the middle of an intimate act. She slaps the PADD onto the bed as she stands. I feel a wonderful spell has been broken and a jolt of panic.

"Please" I beg "Don't stop on my account."

She licks her lips and shifts uncomfortably much like Neelix a few hours ago.

"It's….getting late" BE'lanna says quietly "I should go."

To hear her speak is music to my ears and I become fully aware just how much I have missed her. I look down at the young woman still lost in her slumber.

"She has more color." I state meekly

"Her breathing has improved" BE'lanna replies in kind "The Doctor says she may wake up pretty soon. Maybe a week or so but….it's up to her."

She blushes as if she has said to much. I approach her wanting to reassure. She looks down.

"I should go." She states once more

"Please. Don't go." I plead "The story was just getting good."

"I'm to tired to read" She replies as her voice cracks at the last word.

Usually, with BE'lanna, her statement would be an argument for a way out. But it feels as though this time it's the honest truth. She's still angry, I know that. Anger is how she works, how she lives and how she is wired. But this time her anger has been twisted inside out and the honest-to-god hurt has taken over.

She still is looking down, afraid to face me. I reach out and gently lift her chin with a finger until she finally she looks me in the eye.

"I can take over for a bit. But my Klingon is pretty rusty".

She mulls over my offer for a moment before a ghost of a smile graces her lips. She clicks on the PADD before handing it to me. I perch myself at the foot of the bed and happy to discover the words have been adjusted to the English translation. BE'lanna reclaims her seat and with only a moments hesitation, clasps the woman's hand once more.

"The mistress of Kahless was a formidable lover…." I began to drone.

I read. The women listen. Voyager hums. The stars still shine. For only moment, just this moment, all is right.


	5. Darkness Teasing

My eyes snap open when I hear the klaxons blazing. Red lights signaling urgency, signaling the need to run. I fly out of my bed at warp speed. I slap my commbadge against the night stand with such force, Im surprised it didn't shatter under my palm.

"Report!" I shout

"We are being pursued by two unknown ships on the port side" Tuvok's voice cooly emanates from the small device.

"On my way!" I inform

I end the comm line before I can hear any argument. I throw on my uniform in swift movements and make my way to the bridge. The corridors are a blur of colors as crew members rush to their stations, preparing for the unknown.

When the turbo lift doors slide open I am greeted to controlled chaos of the bridge. I have been reinstated to full duty for a week now but thankfully easing back into command seat was barely a transition, the helm is my home. We have had a few small emergencies since my return but something in my gut warns me this is a different dance.

"Have you tried speaking with them?" I ask as I make my way to where Chakotay is standing.

"We have hailed them but no response" my first officer explains.

"Weapons?" I inquire as I turn to Tuvok.

"We are unable to scan their ship, Captain. But it appears if they wished to have fired upon us, they would have done so."

I hold my gaze with my trusted Vulcan, reading his subtle tells. He's just as uneasy as I am but he simply is waiting for the next logical step.

"They are closing in!" Harry exclaims from his station. His dark eyebrows knit with worry.

"Tom! Open a line!" I shout

"Captain we've tried hail-"

"That's an order Lieutenant" I interrupt.

It appears our new friend is trying to sniff us out, size us up, and sometimes the voice of an authoritarian can make the quiet talk. Tom turns to me and nods, signaling my voice can be heard by the cosmos.

"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager! Why are you perusing us?" I state

Nothing.

"They're right on top of us!" Harry shouts

"Evasive maneuvers!" I cry out before trying once more "This Captain Janeway! I ask again, why do you pursue us!?"

Silence. I turn to Chakotay to seek his guidance when suddenly an ear piercing, high pitched tone screams throughout the ship. My crew cries out in unison as we cover our ears. The sound is all encompassing, it screams over our thoughts, it cries out against our logic, our bodies recoil from it's wailing and we can't fight the feeling of being violated by a sound. The ship shakes violently and we are thrown to the floor like rag dolls.

But as soon as it started it stops.

I open my watery eyes and slowly drop my hands from my ears. My crew scramble back to their positions from the floor and attempt to reorient themselves the best they can. I look over to Chakotay and gently squeeze his arm. He looks bewildered but no more worse for ware. He gives my hand a reassuring pat before we help one another back to our feet.

"Captain, the ships….they….they're gone." Harry sputters, bewildered and breathless.

"What? What do you mean gone?" I ask with exasperation

"Ensign Kim's analysis is correct" Tuvok chimes "Sensors state that the ships have ceased pursuit."

"They may have cloaked" Chakotay offers carefully

"Your logic is not flawed, Commander" Tuvok says with a curt nod "But the ships were not cloaked when they first appeared and according to our long range scans they are currently traveling at Warp 8.5 in the opposite direction."

"Fine. We will drop to Yellow Alert but let's be aware. I have a feeling little surprise isn't over just yet." I explain "Tuvok. You have the bridge. Commander. You're with me."

We step into the turbo lift and begin our decent to Engineering.

"Why would they follow us, blow up our eardrums and just leave?" I ponder "I don't get their game."

"Perhaps they are trying to send us a message" Chakotay offers

"Probably. But what?"

"We have to consider…." my first officer's words die out as we feel the turbo lift, along with the ship, slow to a crawl.

"What the…" I hear myself say as I turn to Chakotay only for the lights to fade into blackness.

Suddenly, my fears have come alive. The dark figures in my mind have escaped into reality. I feel them close in on me, hiding in the veil of inky blackness. My throat emits guttural, ragged breaths as terror consumes me.

"Kathryn. Kathryn its ok." Chakotay says firmly.

Cell. Dark Cell. Screams echoing from afar. I can't save her. I can't save BE'lanna. I can't save either of them.

"Oh god!" I sob "Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!

"Kathryn its ok. You're not there. You're safe." He calls to me

"Oh god! OH GOD!" I cry to a merciless deity

Figures. Faceless figures. Blood. She's vomiting blood.

"The lights will be back any moment" he pleads "Just breathe."

BE'lanna crazed fury. Cold walls. Blue lights. Dark figures. Darkness teasing me.

"Kill us!" I scream "Show yourselves and just kill us already!"

"Kathryn! They aren't here! I won't let them hurt you!"

Blood! Blood on her teeth! Blood on my hands ! She's dead! SHE'S DEAD! SHE'S - -

The lights flicker on and we are moving again. But I barely take notice. The darkness is gone but the walls are so close, the cell is still closing in on me. Im kneeling on the ground, pressed against the wall, clutching my head. Chakotay is beside me. His face stricken.

"Doctor" I hear him say "We need you in turbo lift three."

"Are you with the captain?" The disembodied voice responds

"Yes" Chakotay replies, his voice shaking

"I assume she didn't react well to the current outage" The Doctor states, the mix between screams and sobs are heard on the other end "Im currently caring for Lutienent Torres. Keep talking calmly to her until help gets there. Only touch her if she consents."

"Understood" Chakotay says before ending the line "It's ok. We are just going to sit here. I'll keep you safe."

"Oh god" I reply weakly

"I'll keep you safe"

He repeats that as my sobs continue but quiet down in minuscule increments. The haze of my mind slowly begins to clear. I look over to see that despite his calming voice, tears have trickled down my first officer's face. He looks as tired as I feel. I try to stifle my sobs but they only return with force. I reach for him. He takes my hand.

"I'm sorry" I sputter

"Don't be" he replies

I'm shaking violently.

"Do you know where you are?" he asks carefully

I feel I should know but everything feels wrong. I gaze at him for a long moment before I spit out the truth.

"I…..I don't….know" I weakly reply

"That's ok" He replies in kind "It will come to you."

Time moves forward like an iceberg in water. Slow but with quiet purpose. I realize Im laying on the floor, still clutching Chakotay's hand. Something tells me I have been there for some time. My mind is muddled but functioning and it feels I had been drugged, heavily.

"Reboot" I state

"What?"

"We will have to see what Engineering finds but I think the two ships rebooted our systems"

"I would say the same" Chakotay replies quietly.

The last thing he probably wants to talk about is business but Im sure he's also relieved that I'm no longer speaking in hysterics to the ghosts who arn't there. I look at him from my place on the floor before slowly trying to sit up, he's quick to help me.

"Promise me something" I plead

"What?" He asks, surprised by the clear sincerity in my eyes

"When we get this…" I wave my hand about signaling our most recent predicament "…mess patched up. We are going to take shore leave at the next habitual planet. The crew has been working so hard since the abduction." He winces. " Promise me you will take time for yourself. Meditate. Sleep. Box anything that moves. But please, go take time for yourself."

He looks down.

"Chakotay." I state strongly "I mean it. No more running between caring for me and then BE'lanna, you're running yourself ragged."

Im sure I look ridiculous. Here I am a woman, who had just broke from reality simply because someone turned of the lights, lecturing my first officer on self care. I have no doubt my hair is a mess and my make up smeared from my tears. But I hope he can see clear eyes and a broken but honest heart. His eyebrows knit. He wants to argue but he knows Im putting my foot down.

The doors slide open and to my surprise stands BE'lanna Torres along with her husband. The young woman kneels next to me and without a word starts wiping my face with a wet rag. I can tell her eyes are still puffy but it appears she had a much more postive recovery from her break from reality.

"Lanna I…" I sputter only to be cut off

"I believe the high frequency was nothing more than a tactic to incapacitate us." She explains as she finishes cleaning me up and administrating a hypospray "But during the shut down all of our data was copied and we have found new alien symbols encrypted into our data stream."

Thats why she's here. She gets it. She knows we both have to move forward because staying still is unbearable.

"Can you stand?" She asks. I can tell its less of a question. She's daring me to not try.

So I stand on shaky legs and look at her.

"Senior staff meeting" I say "Let's look over the symbols and build a game plan"

BE'lanna nods but still supports me as we exit the lift. My commbadge chimes and I answer.

"Sickbay to Captain Janeway"

"Yes, Doctor?"

"You have requested that I inform you when the Ensign awakes…"

BE'lanna and I quickly look at one another. Her grip tightens and I can hear Tom take in a breath. The last place I wish to be is in that damn turbo lift but without a word, we re-enter the small space and begin our journey to sickbay.

I feel a tightness in my chest, not because of the small confines but because I know we are on the edge of something beyond our limitation. BE'lanna knows as well. We all do.


	6. Illusion

Im not sure what exactly Im expecting to see as we shuffle into the all to familiar sickbay. I am well aware that she is awake. I have been informed of what I have yearned for has occured. But yet I am surprised. I stop in my tracks when I see large blue eyes staring back at me.

She sits rigid in her bed as the Doctor waves his tricorder about her. She's still. Eerily still. If it's not for her blinking, I would have assumed she was a statue. We are still as well, standing just before the doors. After a moment of silence I step forward and despite BE'lanna's grip on my arm, she holds back.

"So far our scans sense no major neurological damange" The Doctor states not taking his eyes off his patient "It seems our perverbial sleeping beauty's spell has been broken."

I take a step forward once more as my engineer releases me.

"Ensign" I address to the still woman as Im unsure of what else to say.

She remains still with the exception of furrowing her brow.

"Do you know who I am?" I ask tentavly

She parts her lips as if to speak, her furrowed brow deepens but no sound will emit.

"It is not uncommon for speech to delay in its return after a patient awakes from a coma" The Doctor informs me cooly.

I approach her as tentavly as I did so in my dreams. I feel as though I have rehearsed a dance for her. I stand before her, I rest my hand on the side of the bed and lean in.

"Ensign" I repeat softly but firmly "Do you know who I am? Nod yes or no."

She considers me before very tentivly shaking her head yes. I let out a sigh of relief and allow my lips to curl in a smile.

"Do you know where you are?"

Blue orbs dart to the doctor, to BE'lanna and back to me. She nods.

My smile widens and I feel a warmth unfurling from my chest to the rest of my body. I reach out to pat her arm but she flinches. I try not to take offense. The last time she was concious she was on the floor of a dark cell, terrified and moments from death after facing god knows what. She must be very confused and unsure who to trust. I want to spend some time with the Doctor, evaluating and usuring the Ensign's return to reality but I become painfully aware we have a more pressing issue at hand.

"The Doctor will take good care of you" I say to the wide eyed woman.

I turn to the Doctor. He doesn't have to be asked twice.

"I'll inform you of any changes, Captain" He reassures me.

Once again, I fight the urge to place a gentle hand on the young woman before turning back to my silent diciples. They look rather uncomfortable, out of place.

"Confrence room" I command. With an inaudible sigh of relief they bustle out the door. I notice BE'lanna stealing an extra moment to look at the young woman before turning to hurry away.

Strange symbols flash before us on the large screen, projected on the wall of the confrence room. We have ran through our extensive data base on languages, symbols, religions, and codes only to come up with nothing.

"The species we are dealing with has been around much longer than most of our races" Chakotay sighs "Everything we have gathered from their tacticle practices, their technological abilities and these strange symbols shows what possibly we could be us in a few thousand years."

"Do you think this is the same species who abducted us?" BE'lanna asks without a pause.

"The planet was abandoned when we discovered you. The facility you were housed was barren. It would be illogical to draw to that conclusion." Tuvok replies

"These guys give me a bad taste in my mouth" Tom states firmly "We need to be ready incase of another attack."

"But was that an attack?" Chakotay offers "No reports of injury. No shots fired. Just a loud noise and symbols left behind."

"Loud noise?" Harry scoffs

"Yeah. That was a 'loud noise' and Im an Andorian dancer." Tom quips

"That's a sight to see" BE'lanna says with grin.

The crew lets out a chuckle before I languidly wave my hand to silence them.

"We can't assume the worst of these poeple just yet. We have nothing to persue just yet. I have a feeling our friends will pop up again but until then we proceed with optimistic caution. BE'lanna I need a complete and thorough diagnostic. Tvok, make sure you have your security team ready for anything. Dismissed."

The group bustles out, ready for bed after a long day. I lean back in seat feeling the weight of the last few hours lay heavy on my body.

"You know what I find funny" Chakotay says as he gathers up his belongings

"Hmm" I reply as I massage my temples, resting tired eyes.

"Your Ensign wouldn't wake no matter what the Doctor did. But the minute that sound emitted throughout Voyager she awakens no problem…."

My eyes open and snap up to look at my officer.

"It's almost as if she was…"

"…summond" I mutter, finishing his thought.

I can't help but wonder, did we ever really leave that box of nightmares? Or has this all been another illusion?


	7. Mundane

We are such a strange anomaly, us humans. Every day we strive for greatness no matter what it maybe but crave for the mundane when we are face to face with that greatness.

I crave the mundane. The normal.

I crave making love on a sunday morning with someone I like and walking around the market for donuts shortly after. I crave the sound of pots and pans clanking about as I clean up from dinner my mother cooked, in my childhood home in Indiana. I crave the smell of the breeze on my walk from my apartment to Starfleet headquarters. I crave the feel of fabric from my nephew's jersey when I hug him after cheering him on at his t-ball game.

I crave the mundane.

I find my mundane here on Voyager. I enjoy the breadcrumbs I get. When I touch Tom's shoulder as I stand behind him at the con. Or when I watch the stars streak past my window in the ready room. It doesn't warm me like the mundane from home but this mundane keeps me going just another day.

When the ensign escaped sickbay this morning and we found her under the warp core, staring at it like it was trying to tell her a secret; I wasn't angry or shocked. For some reason, all I could think was "I wonder what her mundane used to be." My crew flittered about me trying to get to the bottom of her escape, asking if she should be reprimanded, asking if she had been injured. But I answered no one. I simply ducked under the railing and pulled the young woman out from where she crouched low under the core. She didn't fight me. We shared a sense of calm. I put my arm around her and asked her what floor her quarters were on. She splayed her palm to me. Five. She's on deck five.

I walked with her out of Engineering with her frame pressed against mine. She had lost so much weight during her abduction and there after, she was barely there. But despite her small frame and her timidness, her presence would not be denied. My crew was hot on my heels asking more and more questions but I was silent until we reached the turbolift.

"Stop" I commanded with a cool but loving demeanor

My disciples froze mid step.

"Return to your duties. I will be on the bridge shortly." I explain

They hesitate. Tom in confused disbelief. Chakotay trusting but concerned. BE'lanna irritated but curious. It wasn't until I met Tuvok's eyes that I knew someone understood. He understood the logic of needing the mundane. He reached out and pressed the turbolift button before turning on his heel to leave.

"Captain?" Chakotay pleaded

"I'll be on the bridge shortly" I replied softly

He looked confused and hurt not to be in the know, but he trusts me. He turned to leave.

I sit here now, perched on the edge of her bed. She is sitting beside me.

"You'll probably have to go back to sickbay" I tell her

She surprises me by getting onto her hands and knees to rummage under neath her bed. She reappears with a small wooden box. A mischievous smile graces her lips that reminds me of my younger sister back home. She opens the box and places a small, triangular shape into my hand.

I examine it more closely. The object isn't exactly a triangle, its more of a teardrop with a rounded bottom with a pointed top. It's wrapped in a foil with a tiny piece of paper sticking out the top that reads "kisses".

"What is it?" I ask

She let's out a breath which I believe is her voiceless form of laughter as she repositions onto the bed. She unwraps her triangle and pops it into her mouth. Its edible. I open mine and smile to realize the teardrop is made out of chocolate. I place the strange shape on my tongue and savor the sweet sensation dancing about my taste buds. We sit in silence for a moment, pondering our sweet treats.

"Chocolate" I finally say "A woman's best friend"

She holds up a finger, places another triangle in my hand and puts the box away. One more is what she allows me. One more little moment of mundane.

"Why did you go under the core, ensign?" I ask after the second triangle has completely dissolved.

She looks down then up at me. She opens her mouth to form her words but she remembers her predicament.

"Do you have an empty PADD?" I ask

She understands and snatches one resting on her desk. She quickly types out a message and hands it to me.

It called me.

"It what?"

I woke up and something told me I had to get to the core.

"What called you? Who called you?"

No one. Not a voice. I just knew.

"What did you feel you had to do?"

That was what I was trying to figure out.

"Then I came in"

She nods.

"Can I trust you?" I ask. Im surprised by my question. But both the captain in me and the human being in me knows it must be addressed.

She looks up at me with determination and for moment I catch a flash of anger. She's taking a while to put together her words this time. She types and deletes a few times. Her thumbs pause over the device. She looks at me again, weighing her options. I remain neutral. I need her answer to be honest. She writes slowly but I can tell this is the final draft. She hands the PADD to me.

When they had me trapped and they hurt me. Badly. I never spoke of you. I never spoke of Voyager.

I turn from her. I fight my tears. It's not about emotions now. I need to be more for my crew.

"Wha…" my words catch in my throat "Do your remember all of what they asked you?"

Her brow furrows. She pulls her knees to her chest. She's typing again. I look down at the device placed once more in my lap.

Everything. Where I came from. Who I was. Did I have any purpose? Who did I love? What hurts me the most? How do I hurt the most? What can they do to make me hurt the most?

My hand slaps over my mouth and I reprimand myself for the open display of distress. I pull myself together.

"So they were experimenting on you?"

Yes.

"Why do you think they….stopped by?"

She gives me a long look as her features darken. She looks away as a ghost of memory dances in her eye.

I think they want to extend their research.

I stand abruptly. I turn from her to look at a grey wall, a monitor, a jacket, anything but her. My eyes fall back onto the large canvas of grey and I feel the urge to splay my hands against the cool surface. It's hard to believe the screams I now listen to in my dreams once emanated to the quiet creature sitting behind me.

"No" I say roughly "I will not have that happen to this crew. When you were taken away I vowed…I vowed…" tears blind my eyes and swallow up my words. I resent this sniveling mess I have become. I resent the emotions that I have so carefully collected and placed into a box, deep in the back of my mind, now bubbles up to the surface without a fight.

I hand is placed on my shoulder. I turn to see her holding out the PADD.

It's ok. I cried for you too.

I never wanted to hold someone and throttle them so much at the same time. I look at her once more, she smiles meekly, apologetically. One day, I'll have to ask Phoebe about the long lost daughter she never told me about. I quickly wipe the tears from my face and watch her blink away the tears shining in her eyes.

"I have to take you back to sickbay" I say to her reluctantly "I feel like I'm taking you to the brig"

She types.

Is there a difference?

"Lets make a deal" I state as we get to our feet "You promise to inform me the next time you get a calling and I'll try to convince the warden on letting you out early for good behavior"

She holds out a hand and we shake on it.

"It's a deal then" I comply

"How's she doing?" Chakotay asks as he enters my ready room.

"Better" I reply in kind, I look at him closely from my seat near the stars.

"What?" he asks as he takes a seat next to me

"Has your spirit animal ever lead you astray?"

He smiles. I don't ask about his beliefs much. I should do that more often.

"No. Sometimes he is unclear, he speaks in riddles but never lead me astray. Why? Has your guide been ornery?"

"No…no" I laugh weakly "I just…could use some guidance from beyond."

"Kathryn"

"She told me that they were experimenting on her. She feels thats what they want to do to the crew."

"Experimenting? For what? Why us?"

"I don't know. But by what she has told me, I sure as hell won't let this have to find out."

Chakotay leans forward, pensive and concerned.

"It's good she's speaking again" he says somewhat to himself

"In a sense. I talked. She wrote on a PADD. Any headway on the symbols?"

He looks at me and takes a deep breath.

"Yes" his voice low

"Well?"

"We don't know what exactly they say but we have an idea of where they are from"

"Great! Where?"

"The symbols matched one of the etchings found on a door in the compound we found you in. Seven recognized the writings as work form a species as a very elusive prey the Borg has been trying to obtain for hundreds of years. They have become somewhat of a white whale. We've scanned through some of the holoimages of the compound and found more symbols that match up."

"So its agreed? The species that has left the symbols are the same ones who abducted us?"

"Yes" he confirms, he shifts in his seat as he avoids my gaze.

"What is it?"

"We believe we translated the symbol on the door, it's repeated in the symbols we downloaded. It means…..execution."


	8. The White Whale

I pace my ready room. One foot in front of the other. What an infuriating, ridiculous life I lead. I think to myself. Once more a species has decided to play games with us and probe us as if we are lab rats. Just a couple years prior, a shielded group of aliens tested our bodies to the limit without our consent. The fun little experiment ended with me nearly blowing up all of Voyager just to scare them away. We made it out just by the skin of our teeth but I fear we wont be as lucky this time around.

I let out a humorless laugh. I should be amused by how absurdity has become the norm for myself and my crew.

"It may not be what it appears" Chakotay urges, watching me from his seat.

"Yes." I reply bitterly "An alien species who never shows their face, has kidnapped myself along with members of our crew, poisoned and tortured us, leave us for dead and later leave symbols in our system hinting towards death. No. Im sure they are down right pleasant!"

Tears of frustration and exhaustion prickle behind my eyes.

He is silent. He knows any words of comfort would sound patronizing but it's in his nature to sooth.

"We need a plan" I continue "But we are dealing with a species so elusive it's hard to know where to even start. At the same time, I don't want Voyager to sit idly waiting for the next strike like sitting ducks."

By now Im not even sure if Im speaking to my first officer or just to myself. I turn to look at him. He looks at me, expecting something. Leadership? Naturally. But something more. He's becoming spoiled I realize. I have indulged him in the last few weeks. I have indulged him in my weakness, into my inner thoughts, into my quiet need for dependency, into those brief moments when I am more woman than captain. He's been feasting on what he has been starved for since day one. Yes, I have very much spoiled him.

"Seven" I say blandly

"What?" He asks surprised

"I need to talk with Seven"

With that I turn on my heel and quickly exit the ready room. I hear his heavy footsteps behind me.

"I think what you need is some rest" he states directly behind me

"When it comes to the livelihood of my crew rest is not up for consideration, Commander" I retort

The turbolift makes its way to the deck of my choosing. I know Chakotay will follow me to Astrometrics and to where ever else until I promise him that I have exercised some form of self care.

"How do you expect to make such major decisions without sleep, Captain?"

"Simple. Coffee. It's like you don't even know me." I tease before stepping off the lift.

He tries to fight a chuckle but fails. He shakes his head but with a smile.

We enter the Astrometrics lab to find, as always, the former drone working dutifully at her console.

"Seven" I greet

"Captain" she replies in kind

"I've come to understand our friends here have been a bit of a white whale to the Borg."

"I don't see how the species are anything like a large aquatic mammal." Seven replies cooly

I fight a laugh. I forget how often I speak in references until I speak with Seven. I find conversations with her to be an interesting challenge. I can feel it activate a usually dormant part of my brain and as a scientist I find it fascinating. But in times of crisis her love for the literal can be maddening.

"It refers to a very old story back home. I hear that the species have been very elusive to the Borg."

"Yes," she sighs as her latest notes of the subject pops up on screen "Their talents are to be admired."

"Impressing the Borg? I believe that's what scares me the most" Chakotay comments from his place in the corner.

"Agreed" I reply 'Have you made any headway of figuring out where these people came from? How they might be tracking us?"

"After Voyager…'rebooted' as you would say. The ship exited our path leaving at Warp 8.5 bearing matrix 2.04"

"I know that"

"I traced the skematics so we may follow suit but as I typed in the cooridinates I received nothing. I then performed a sweep to look for Warp particles. I received nothing. I did a second sweep for tachyon bursts only to end with the same result. It seems as though despite the fact we had recorded their departure, there is no evidence for us to follow their trail.

"Well, naturally they would want to cover their tracks but how did they do it so well?"

"Captain…there is a possibility there were never here to begin with."

"But how can that be? We have the symbols they in our systems."

"The symbols maybe real.." Chakotay replied slowly "but the ship itself could have been a smoke screen."

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. I feel the Delta Quadrant weigh heavy on my bones.

"If this is another game with Q.." I groan.

"If it was him his ego would have had him reveal himself earlier" Chakotay states blandly

I admit. I'm surprised by Chakotay's candor but I have to admit as his words settled I know he's right. Im unsure wether or not to be relieved by the statement.

"Thank you, Seven" I say looking back up "Please send me a full report on your findings."

She nods and I turn on my heel to exit.

"Where to Captain?" Chakotay asks hot on my heels

"To very short, very precisely timed nap." I state "We don't have time for it but I keep seeing everything in doubles."

"Do I make a good twin?"

"Tvok may have you beat."

I keep my pace light but I admit the thought of some shut eye for once is invitation I am more than willing to take. My tired but happy banter is interrupted by my commbadge coming alive.

"Captain, we will be needing your presence on deck five." Lieutenant Ayala' s voice wavers from the gadget

"Can this wait?" Chakotay asks

"Im sorry sir but no…" as if sensing our hesitation he adds "…there has been a death of a crewmen."


	9. Sweets For My Sweet

I knelt down next to the body. The body. What a terrible way to describe the young woman. She was someone once, someone who had fought the Borg, wrestled with Hirogen, ate in the mess hall, joined along in Mr. Paris's many colorful holoprograms, most likely chastised by the doctor about self care at some point, missed her family. Her family. Another surname on the docket of the faces of people I will have to let down when we get home. I will have to look up into their desperate eyes and say "Im so sorry, but not only did I steal away your child's hopes, dreams, possibility for a family for you to grow with. I also stole their life. Now I must force you to grieve all over again. To have your hope dashed away from existence."

"Well, at the very least we can say it was quick" The Doctor explained, in a surprisingly loving tone "She didn't suffer much."

She lay on her back, her hand still reaching out to the phaser laying just half a foot away from her. Her chocolate brown eyes staring off into the unknown. A long, dark lock of hair lay against her cheek. I realize then a few hair pins were scattered about her. I almost wanted to laugh. She must have been shot when doing her hair. My fingers brush against her cheek.

Don't feel embarrassed my sweet. I say to her in the depths of my heart I probably will go that way too.

I examine her long face, high cheek bones, her long wide set nose, large lips and dark eyebrows slightly quirked in worry and her deep carmel skin.

"Lakota" I hear myself say

"That's right" I hear Chakotay say from behind me before kneeling down.

"Is she from…?"

"No."

"Do you think…" I catch a breath "Did she believe in the same place as…your people?"

"Will her spirit move on to be one with the many spirits in another great and bountiful world?"

I look at him.

He half-smiles before saying "Happy Hunting Ground. They call it."

"I hope she gets there"

"We will honor her spirit. She will get there."

"Crewman Little Iron will receive a parting she justly deserves" Tuvok states above us "But first it is imperative, in her honor, we seek justice for her murder."

"Of course" I state before standing "Report."

"The crewman was found just one hour ago after Crewman Whitticker heard a shout when passing by. The crewman appears to have been shot directly in the heart but of course we will wait to confirm. Crewman Whitticker quickly called for security where precisely three point six minutes later we discovered the assailant standing above the body while holding a standard issue phaser. She appeared to be shaken. We immediately took her into holding. Since she is unable to speak I would request…."

I hold up a hand to silence him. I look around, truly taking in my surroundings.

Oh god no.

Gingerly, I step over the newly deceased crewman towards the bunk beds

"Captain?" I hear the Doctor inquire nervously.

I get onto my hands and knees. I reach under the bed until my fingers brush against a smooth rectangle . Slowly, I produce a small wooden box. I lift the lid to see a series of small, foil wrapped tear drops with little papers reading "kiss kiss".

I slap the lid closed and grip the box almost hoping to crush it into a million little pieces.

"Does anyone else know?" I ask hoarsely

"No, Captain."

"She's in holding?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Then I will speak to her."

"Captain" Tuvok states carefully "I must advise for you to wait to speak to the Crewman before I am able to interrogate her."

"Thank you, Tuvok" I reply coldly "But I need to speak to a member of my crew."

I begin to make my way to the door, again avoiding making contact with the body. Tuvok remains in place but leans in toward me, letting his presence be known.

"Captain. I must advise you to not impede an investigation on the grounds of personal needs."

A silence looms over the handful of officers in the tiny quarters. The air is heavy with tension.

"Thank you. Your advise has been noted." I reply slowly before turning to Chakotay "You have the bridge, Commander."

My vision narrows. My stride widens. My entire body is fueled with the heat of my fury. My nerves spark. My jaw sets. Perhaps people spoke to me on my way to the Brig, I wouldn't know. Perhaps Voyager jolted violently from an unknown alien attack, you could have fooled me. Nothing matters until I am at the Brig and suddenly…

I'm there.

The guard standing before the Cell Holding Console looks somewhat bewildered by my entrance but quickly stands attention.

"I wish to see her" I state.

He nods and opens the force field into the cell block. I step in and quickly see the Ensign curled up in the corner of the cell nearest to my left. She looks up to see me and quickly stands.

"I wish to see her…alone" I say, not taking my eyes off of her.

"But ma'am it's…" he attempts to say but I quickly turn to look at him and the smart boy takes a hint before leaving. Tuvok looks at me for a long moment then quietly steps away.

I turn to see she is a step closer, her large blue eyes shining.

"Yes or no." I ask coldly "Did you do it?"

Her lip trembles as she stares back at me.

"I asked you a question, Ensign!"

She jumps at my bark. Her shoulders slump before faintly nodding.

I close my eyes and tighten my grip on the little wooden box. Before opening eyes once more to see her looking at what I have in my hands.

"What you have done is…..reprehensible." The word tastes weak in my mouth, like ill made tea "deplorable….malignant…loathsome…"

I see her wince slightly as each word is thrown her way.

My words fail because I know what I want to say. Despite my life of scientific pursuit and my careful upbringing to have a questioning mind. I know the only thing I want to call her is so opposed to who I am.

I want to call her evil.

I see this tiny box in my hands and think back to the way she felt in my arms, the way the chocolate danced against my tongue, and the way BE'lanna's voice rose and fell in such a beautiful way in that sickbay. I want to lift the little box high above my head and with all the force that is in me, send it hurtling towards the grounds so it will never make my skin burn with the little moments. Then the little moments will never exist and I won't have to feel this way.

But then, something catches my eye as I turn the tiny contraption over in my hands. Little letters engraved in the bottom right corner. My finger brushes against the little grooves, making words, making a message.

Sweets, for my sweet, when life ain't sweet. Love, Mama

The fire inside me eases down into a glowing embers.

"I hope…for her sake" I say as I thumb the letters "You have a damn good reason. But you know…to her mama…Crewman Little Iron…" I look up to the eyes of a young killer "…your reason just won't be good enough. Your trial will be in two days time. A worthy representative from your peers will defend you."

I turn on my heel and quietly walk out to the pained squawks of the condemned Ensign

Tuvok stands outside the Brig. I hand him the box.

"I can assure you that my personal emotions will not interfere with the decision of her fate. But I will need…a moment to gather myself."

He nods and I am thankful.

I realize how tired I must be when I see a bulkhead flicker and waver before I blink. When I look again it once again is still and sturdy as ever. I begin my journey to my quarters for what I know will be a restless sleep.


	10. Amiss

I would find them at random sitting by her coffin. Sometimes, they would talk to her. Sometimes, they would cry and sometimes it was as if they weren't even there themselves. If done right, we would have had her placed high on a scaffold in hopes to direct her to somewhere better than here, somewhere beyond. But all we can offer is to have her coffin placed in the conference room for a days time before her funeral.

I'm glad my crew has taken the time to come see her. I'm glad they are allowing themselves to grieve.

I stand beside her now. I'm adorned in my dress uniform and though it should be a sign of respect, I feel as though I'm mocking her. I feel flustered all alone with her. I should be saying goodbye but I realize we never really said hello. We're strangers. In fact, I have learned more about her in the last twenty-four hours than I have during her entire stay here on Voyager.

I place my hand against the grey material of the Federation flag, draped across her coffin. I can still see the image of her right before the Doctor clicked her capsule shut. She looked serene. She lay like a sleeping princess, her long hair cascading down her body, her uniform clean and proper with he hands resting on her chest. I didn't want to witness her being tucked away into her final bed. But Chakotay wanted me there as he placed an eagle's feather underneath her palms.

"Rosanna Little Iron. You have lived as a mighty warrior and died as one as well. You bring honor to your family and to your people. We honor you with this The Eagle Feather. May the spirits guide you." He said it all, so softly.

I felt as though he should have been announcing it loudly to his small, solemn audience, his words bouncing off of the grey, sterilized walls. But he spoke with a soft tenderness you would only use when soothing a young child from a nightmare.

The very real feather was one of the few remnants he had left of his father. I felt as though I should have argued but I could see it was not only right, but the most perfect act. They may not have been of the same tribe. But they were of the same heart.

I stand there with no feathers to offer or a mournful song to sing. All I have, is my hand pressed against fabric and a heart yearning to be more. "Thank you" I whisper to her "Thank you….and I'm sorry."

A throat clears. I look up to see a handful of my crew dressed in their best, holding traditional drums. We had a smattering of crew members who could sing and were willing to learn a traditional mourning song for the occasion.

"The Commander is prepared to commence" Ensign Vorik informs me.

I give him a sad smile he pretends not to register. He is so young and so stoic. We have asked a lot of him. Today, he provides an impressive baritone to sing for the death of one of his crew mates and tomorrow he will stand as a representative for another crew member, to be condemned. I nod and make my way towards the mess hall where I will stand and wait as the processional of drums and mourners will fill the halls of Voyager with the harmonic cries of grief. They will lead her back to me.

It will be so beautiful. It will be so jarring. It will be imperfect, this strange ceremony pieced together by Federation and Lakota traditions. But we will honor her spirit and when we turn towards the windows to the sound of the whistle, when we see her safely be cast away into the inky blackness that is space, we will know she will be truly free.

I have to believe that.

Her gentlewomen, like the Nereides,

So many mermaids, tended her i' the eyes,

And made their bends adornings; at the helm

A seeming mermaid steers; the silken tackle

Swell with the touches of those flower-soft hands,

That yarely frame the office.…

The computer drones on as I lightly finger the mouth of my mug. My quarters are dim as I curl up against the window and watch the stars go by. I should be at ease but my body is vibrating with anticipation for the sentencing the following morning. My body lets out a jolt as a chime alerts me of someone at my door.

"Come" I call out.

BE'lanna enters, timidly.

"BE'lanna" I say somewhat surprised placing my cup on the coffee table.

"You're relaxing. I can come later." she replies nervously

"Don't be silly. Can I get you anything?"

From the barge

A strange invisible perfume hits the sense….

"What are you listening to?"

"Oh uh…computer pause program! Just a little Shakespeare, Anthony and Cleopatra to be exact."

"As good as The Mistress of Kahless?" she attempts to tease

"Up there" I reply with a chuckle "Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee?"

"No..no"

She usually is never so timid. I'm always so fascinated by this woman. Her range for emotion is impressive at best. She may jump towards anger but few are able to see the depth of her vulnerability and the multitude of her tenderness. She's ringing her hands and lightly bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"BE'lanna…"

"It's just seems off!" She exclaims "I mean sure I don't know her very well. But to kill someone…kill someone! She just….it just seems off!"

"I know" I sigh "I'm socked as well."

"I mean we aren't even going to give her trial? I'm sure there is some explanation to this!.."

"You should sit dow…"

"She's a good kid! At least from what I know! I know torture changes people but she was in a coma and then suddenly up! No one should be in a state to kill right out of a coma!"

She's pacing now. Her arms crossed tightly against her body.

"You're right and we can…."

"…The coma is just weird in itself! I'm not a doctor but who just pops awake like that!

"Lanna"

"…I mean yeah she can't talk. But from what I've heard she wasn't much of a talker even before. You won't even do a trial? Klingons even do a trial!…"

"You…"

"…I mean sure it's mostly decided before it starts and the judge is usually four goblets in on the blood wine but…"

"BE'LANNA!" I shout

Finally, she pauses. She looks at me bewildered. I stand, approach her and place my hands on her shoulders.

"She confessed 'lanna. She confessed to me when she was first apprehended. If you have a confession, then there is no need for a trial."

"Oh" she replies quietly "Have you decided…what to do?"

My hands drop and once again anxiety buzzes throughout my body.

"I'm deliberating. Tuvok is still investigating so…Im waiting on the facts."

She looks at me, her face changing from quiet shock to speculation.

"You're waiting? On facts?"

"Yes I…"

"Since when do you of all people wait for anything?" she asks taking a step back, the accusation burning in her tone.

"Excuse me but I feel you are reaching a line." I reply sharply

"You have been my captain and my friend for sometime now" she states her voice wobbling slightly. I feel a blush heating in my cheeks after hearing her admit to our close relationship.

"When have you, Captain Kathryn Janeway, ever wait for facts? What happened to the Captain who punches through? You would investigate a sneeze if you felt something was wrong."

I am silent. In dismay.

"Fine. Condemn the kid. But you and I both know something is wrong here. You and I both know there was more going on here. So if you won't do anything about this then I will!"

With that, she spun on her heel and exited my quarters not even bothering to be dismissed.

I let out a huff and make my way to follow her, to reprimand her, to remind her who exactly is the superior officer in this situation. But when I reach the door I stop. I realize she is completely right. Why haven't I been investigating? Shouldn't I be deep in research? Shouldn't I be pouring over Tuvok's reports? Shouldn't I be grilling the culprit myself?

My fists clench until they drawl blood.

Complacency was never a trait I embodied. So why do I practice it now? Who am I? What's happened to me?

My thoughts are interrupted when I catch a shadow move in the corner of my eye. I quickly turn to see what could be in the room with me. I see nothing. I meander about my quarters to check for what is amiss. I see nothing.

So it is then, the Great Captain Janeway, The Wanderer With Many Questions, The Critical Eye of Starfleet, shrugged off the oddity and went to bed.


	11. Court Of Law

"All rise." Mr Paris announces.

The conference room is painfully quiet as I enter to take my seat at the head of the table. Vorik and the visibly shaken Ensign are placed at the far end. It's a clear power play Starfleet had made hundreds of years ago. It's a semblance of a courtroom. It is clear that the guilty will have the least amount of power to wield. It is clear, that in this room, whatever strike down will be a heavy blow.

Even though the thought of a human being snuffing out an innocent, an innocent being who served under my command makes my stomach turn; I lack the desire to knock down or even punish. But justice is what I must serve today. Justice is what keeps our humanity in check and as the highest ranking human within the Delta Quadrant, I must adhere to that.

We settle in for a difficult meeting. I clear my throat. I glance to Chakotay and Ensign Kim who are seated at either side of me. Though I will be the deciding factor, the two will serve as council in the deliberation stage. I look around the room, the handful conducting the hearing, the few sitting as council and a smattering of the crew sitting in as witnesses. The room is full but still.

"Today, is not a trial. We have a confession, we have evidence and we have a decision to make….I have a decision to make." I take a moment before continuing, "The Federation has made it abundantly clear that life is something to be valued in all creatures, no matter where they come from or what they do. Life is sacred. It has been the pursuit and the protection of every species. It has caused us to evolve into what we are today. It is why this starship is built and why we fly it. We explore to know life, discover life and possibly create new life. The life within us, the proof of our existence, is ours to keep. Though we cannot control when it begins and especially when it ends, it is the only right that is guaranteed. It is the only right that has stayed true long before government, before cognitive understanding, before it all. It is that very right that is the reason we gather here today."

My words sink in. The severity of the subject causes the air to feel like lead and it shows in the solemn faces in the officers here with me. I glance over to Tuvok who is stoic, unmoving. I glance to Chakotay who looks down in deep thought. I glance to Mr Paris, whom usually the boisterous gentleman with a boyish grin, now looks back at me with a mask of worry far beyond his years. Much like Vorik, I am asking an extraordanary amount from a young man.

My eyes fall upon the guilty. She no longer quakes. She is quietly readying herself to face the inevitable.

"Ensign" I address her pointedly "The victim we will be discussing in your case, had that right. Through your actions, you have disregarded that right. Through your actions, that you have confessed to, you have disregarded one of the most basic right to humanity. I hope you realize the severity of what I have just said."

I can hear the muted groan reverberate throughout the room.

"….Though your actions go against the very core of The Federation and all that we stand for, we will continue to recognize your right as a living being throughout this process. I, along with the senior officers who will be deciding your sentencing, have agreed to adhere to that."

She looks back at me with a frozen stare. Though few would feel I would resort to a mandated execution, there is a risk due to our predicament. We do not have the luxury of a prison like we do back at home. We do not have the luxury of a carefully guarded facility, with a carefully built rehabilitation program, customized solely to slowly lead the young woman back to sanity and back to society. We cannot offer her a team of experts who would spend years offering her guidance and understanding.

We have nothing. So we would have been lying if that in a small ship, so far from home and hundreds of innocent lives, it would not be easiest to eradicate the problem to the point that not a single percentage of chance another innocent life could be snuffed out by her again. To commit the most necessary of evils is tantalizing. But I have made a vow to fight for my crew's sense of humanity until the moment we dock into Starfleet. Even in the face of such depravity I will not have us lose the essence of who we are.

I turn my gaze to the stoic young man sitting next to the frozen Ensign.

"Is the defendant aware of her charges?"

"Yes, Captain." he replies

"Does her confession still stand?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Then we will proceed. We will begin with the evidence and notes of investigation from Lieutenant Commander Tuvok. Commander you have the floor."

Tuvok nods and begins to drone. It's the basics, how the victim was found, the type of phaser that was used to kill her, where exactly in the heart the beam pierced through such a vital organ and finally that all tests ruled out any possibility that the phaser had been set on stun or changed within the milliseconds of the firing. I know this information. My mind fades slightly until I hear Tuvok say "With the Captain's permission, I would like to cross examine the defendant."

I turn to Vorik. He gives a curt nod signifying he's ready for the next phase. This isn't a meeting. It's a dance. It's a flurry of distraction before the big finish, my decision.

Vorik stands.

"Captain, due to my clients inability to speak, she will be writing her answers on a PADD and we will have an impartial representative read aloud. Will that be accepted?"

"Of course. Do you have a volunteer?"

"Master Chief Petty Officer Seven of Nine."

Seven approaches the table and stands next to the young Ensign. I sit up straighter.

The tempo changes. A tango begins.

"Where were you on the night of Ensign Little Iron's death?" Tuvok asks cooly

A pause for the Ensign to type.

"My quarters." Seven replies, almost mechanically.

"With Ensign Little Iron?"

A pause.

"Yes."

"Did you speak with the Ensign?"

"Yes."

"About what?"

"Work. Gossip. What will be served for dinner."

"Did the subject ever change before the murder took place?"

Pause. A breath.

"No."

"So you were in your quarters with the Ensign. You spoke of daily life and what would you say would be the moment you decided to pull out your phaser?"

"There wasn't a moment."

"Explain."

"It's hard to. But from what I remember, I felt myself just turn off. I watched myself just pull out my phaser and I just shot her."

I imagine sitting in that tiny room. I imagine gazing up at cascades of raven hair. I imagine with the ease of turning the page of a book, pressing the button to hear that odd little zap and watching her body fall to the ground with the passiveness of watching snow slide of a roof.

"Have you thought about killing before?"

"No."

"Have you thought about killing Ensign Little Iron?"

"No."

"Would you say you had a good relationship with Ensign Little Iron?"

For the first time, the young woman expresses emotion. With her PADD poised in hand, she squeezes her eyes shut and allows a few tears to fall. With a shuddered breath, she answers.

"She was my best friend. I loved her."

"But you killed her."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I can't say."

"Ensign, I must remind you that you have already confessed to killing a fellow officer. Withholding information will not appease your guilty ruling."

"I understand. But I assure you, I really can't say."

Tuvok glances towards me and takes a breath.

"Brace yourself kiddo" I think to myself

"Three months ago, you had been captured by an unknown alien race…"

Had it already been three months? On earth a season has changed. We have travelled a good couple thousand lightyears. But I can almost sense the cool stillness of that prison cell.

"…it is clear you have suffered from your time there. Would you agree?" Tuvok inquires

The Ensign glances at me but quickly looks away. She looks to be more embarrassed than hurt.

"Yes."

"At anytime during your capture, were you ever coerced to take action against the Federation?"

The question seemed fair. The question was logical. But something far off in the depth of my consciousness alerts me of something amiss. The cogs and gears of my mind feels as though they were submerged in mud.

"I can't say"

"Why is that?"

"I don't remember I…."

Their words fade out ever so slightly as I force the gears to turn, as I force myself match the science to the emotion. I place my fingers against my temple. Im embarrassed to admit, it literally hurts to think. It literally hurts to do my job.

"….Captain?" I hear someone say.

"Have we heard the Doctor's report on the Ensign shortly after her abduction?" I hear myself ask

"It was in your briefing but it is a private matter" Tuvok replies

"It's private until it is used as evidence in the court of law, Commander" I fire back "It is clear we will be reviewing an intricate and delicate matter that will highly effect this case. Though I trust the Doctor's discretion, I suggest we take a break to give him time to prepare the evidence as needed. We reconvene in fifteen minutes."

I rise quickly and though they fumble slightly from the sudden change of events, so does the rest of my fellow officers. I turn to exit when a thought hits me. Without hesitation, my hand reaches out to grab my first officer's wrist.

"Chakotay" I say with hushed urgency "Where's BE'lanna?"


	12. BE'lanna

Listening the cries of Tom Paris was too familiar. His screams bounced off the walls in a painful but beautiful crescendo. I had made that music before. His muscles tensed underneath my touch, he lurched, he gripped, he fought as I struggled to pull him to his feet. What a good man. What a sweet boy. He didn't deserve it. He shouldn't have been the one to find her, what was left of her. He shouldn't have heard me ask for the location of his wife. But he heard it in my voice. We just knew something was wrong.

She was deep in the belly of the ship. A crewman in engineering said she was rambling on and on about some "temporal shift". He said that she had been furiously searching the ship's functions and furiously taking notes. When anyone offered their assistance she would dismiss them immediately, saying it was for their own good. How blind was I to not even know about my chief engineer prowling about Voyager like a mad woman? She told me herself she was going to take matters into her own hands. I feel as though I am not myself. I feel as though I'm not really here and in my gut I feel that BE'lanna sensed that in herself as well. I was reflecting what she feared and being the stubborn child she is…..was…she went off to fix it herself.

She did find something. She was caught in some kind of temporal flux, at least something close to it. The structure of my ship morphed, twisting around our existence and her along with it. The Doctor, bless that man, reached in and pulled her out. At our feet she landed. At our feet she twisted and convulsed. I demanded we beam her to sickbay but it would be to dangerous. The Doctor desperately tried to get a hold of the situation, but she destabilized at a rapid rate until she simply evaporated. All that was left was a shoe, a PADD, and a broken tricorder.

He's nearly catatonic now. He's awake. But he's not here with me. For seventeen hours now the command team have taken turns sitting with Tom while the others run the ship. He sits on the bio bed and I behind him, grasping his shoulders.

"She shouldn't have…" he attempts to say

"She was just trying to do her job, Tom." I reply for what is possibly the hundredth time. But I don't mind.

"But she…she can't be…"

"The Doctor tried everything"

"No!" he chocked

"Tom"

He jerks out of my grasp. He turns to me. He slowly slides off the bed to stand and face me completely. His fair complexion blotched from his tears. His blue eyes shining with anguish shifts into a fury I have never seen before.

"You" he hisses "She wanted to find out what was wrong with you! She went searching where she shouldn't because…..you!"

"Tom"

It's the most animation he has shown in sometime but it hurts it is through such hate in his eyes, a white hot beam of hate pointed towards me.

"You were so worried about that little girl you didn't even look at her after….after" he's struggling to breathe.

I realize it's the first time he has ever mentioned the abduction or the Ensign. I realize how much it has effected him too. We all loved BE'lanna. But not like Tom Paris. They were so different but so much one of the same. They were like two sides of a coin.

"I thought she needed time" I plead

"She needed you!" He groans "Every night I hear her call out to you in her dreams! She needed to rest! But she spent so much time worrying about you!"

"Tom I…"

"Did she mean anything to you, Captain!?" he spits my title like chewed tobacco "Was she just your token Klingon? Was she just another tool on your belt? Isn't that it? We're all just tools on your belt!?" he's trembling "She was beautiful and kind and smart and I loved her!"

"I loved her too!" I plead

"You killed her!"

"I did not!"

"She was losing her mind and you just sat there!"

"Tom!" I cry out.

His outburst is predictable. He's kind but there has always been an anger bubbling underneath. The logic in me says that he is a grieving man, looking for something, anything to blame the unimaginable pain on. But my heart fears that what he says is the truth and it breaks me.

"You need to leave" he says darkly

"Plea…"

"Out!" he barks.

I jump.

Despite his fury, I don't want to leave him. But my presence wounds him even more. He needs time to say goodbye without distraction.

Silently, I turn and head towards the exit. The Doctor and I are about to cross paths when he places a hand on my shoulder.

"He doesn't mean it" he assures me softly

"I think he does" I whisper back "Report soon."

He opens his mouth wanting to say something more. But he simply nods with a mumbled "Aye, Captain."

My journey back to my quarters is painful to say the least. The crew walk with blank, pale faces. Its to soon. We have just barely said goodbye to one member and now we have to do it again just days after. We signed up for this when we joined Starfleet but there is a difference between living with the possibility and living with the reality.

I have made it almost to my quarters when something in me signals that my domain is not where I should go. It is then I find myself at Chakotay's door. I ring the bell.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

I override the code.

The doors slide open and I step in quietly. I see him sitting on the floor near his living room table. He's facing away. He could be meditating so I approach with caution. I can see a chair is toppled over, the belongings on his desk are in a violent disarray, something crunches under my foot and I see I have stepped on a shard of glass. Half a bottle of some type of alcohol lies directly under the window, underneath an amber splatter mark dripping against the clear surface. Carefully, I step around shinning little pieces to get to my first officer.

A heavy huff is executed from his large frame. I stand over him now and see that he is trembling ever so slightly.

"Couldn't do it" he slurred "Couldn't…quest."

I see the animal skin of his bundle splayed out in front of him but the tokens had been tossed aside into different directions.

I touch his shoulder and kneel next to him.

"I kept seeing her" he croaked

"I know" I whisper, my throat tight as fresh tears began to blur my vision.

"She mattered."

"She will always matter"

He turns to me. This stoic warrior. He is so much more than what I could ever be. There is so much more under his ever present smile.

He watches, he studies and he understands the nature of living. His strength to withstand is immeasurable. He forgives but never forgets, not to hold a grudge but to hold onto the lesson to grow. He's always growing into what he needs to be. He is willing to become whatever is asked of him. He is good. He has been through the fire but comes out peaceful. He is never bitter because bitter is easy, bitter would allow him to lose the responsibility of empathy. He knows that, so he won't allow that.

His lips press against mine. My eyes immediately close and I swear I can almost smell the grass from a distant planet only built for two. He tastes almost the same. But its different. He tastes of desperation and of longing. His force pushes me down, down onto flat carpeting and I couldn't care less if the shards of glass pierce my skin. Hands grasp at me. Not with loving exploration but with the desperate need to know I'm still here. I could let him go further. I need to know he's here too. His kiss like a salve from the sting of Tom's words. Together, we could pretend the gaping hole in our chest isn't there. Together, we could fall into our primal needs and forget the world crumbling around us.

"No" I moan weakly

"Please" he breathes

My hands press against his chest and I scold myself when my fingers curl into his shirt as his lips find a pulse point on my neck.

"You will regret this"

"I could never regret you"

I force myself not to fall into temptation. I cup his chin and force him to look into my eyes.

"But you will regret this"

His face contorts.

"Damn you!" he cries as his fist pounds next to my head "God damn you Kathryn!"

I flinch but I do not fear him. His tears fall onto me like rain and it causes me to lose all of my resolve. My hand covers my eyes and I begin to sob. His face buries into the crook of my neck and together we weep for BE'anna, we weep for Tom, we weep for Voyager, we weep for ourselves and we weep for what could have been. We weep without abandon until we lose consciousness but a moment before I slip into the blackness, I swear I could see half of Chakotay's door flicker in and out of existence.

Fine. Condemn the kid. But you and I both know something is wrong here.

My eyes open slowly, adjusting to the dim light of the quiet quarters. I feel disoriented when I realize I don't recognize the ceiling. I wonder if I should start to worry when I feel warm breath puff against the nape of my neck and it all comes back to me.

The trial. The search. The discovery. The fight to keep her alive. Failing her. Oh god BE'lanna. Stubborn, crazy, wonderful, beautiful BE'lanna. It wasn't ever supposed to be like this.

I slide Chakotay's heavy arm off of my torso and sit up slowly. My muscles scream in protest. Apparently, sleeping like I did on the library floor during finals week at the Acadamy is no longer an option for my body. I look over to Chakotay's form. He shouldn't be sleeping on the floor either but the thought of bringing him back to the reality of grieving his dearest friend feels cruel to say the least.

I stand on shaky legs and slowly make my way to Chakotay's private consul. I don't want to ask the time from the computer and have her automated voice awake the sleeping bear. Bleary eyed, I squint to see the numbers displayed on a sleek black screen.

02:30

We have a good while before the Alpha shift. Without a thought, I slip off my jacket and make my way to the largest shards of glass nearest the window. Slowly, I pick up the tiny pieces, I place the toppled chair back into its rightful place and continue to do so throughout his quarters. That's the beauty of having an atomic bomb dropped on your life, all there is left to do is rebuild and at least there you are doing something.

It's not long before Chakotay awakes. At first he struggles to his feet and darts to the bathroom to release the contents of his stomach. He shuffles back in and without a word he helps me finish cleaning up. When all is said and done I approach him with a sad smile.

"I'm sure the doctor has a hypospray for your headache. I replicated you some coffee." I say to him, my voice rough from sleep and tears.

"Always a couple steps ahead of me." He says with a chuckle

"Clean yourself up, Commander. We have a crew to answer to." I reply with a pat on his shoulder.

With that I exit to visit my quarters for a quick change of clothes as I prepare to investigate the final hours of BE'lanna Torres.

I enter my quarters and stand in the quiet of my domain. It's odd to listen to my breath, to be reminded I still exist and I'm still here. A beep notifies me of a message on my personal consul. With a sigh I approach the device and my muscles detest my actions as I take a seat. I press play.

The black screen flickers away and two deep brown eyes stare back at me.

"Captain. In the event anything happens to me, Im sending you this message. Ugh…I feel like Im crazy" BE'lanna groans before continuing "I know it sounds crazy but I feel like…like something isn't right…it isn't real"

I know I should feel alarmed and paying careful attention to what she is saying. But my chest feels warmth as I look upon the face of my dearly departed friend.

"I'm sending you my notes and I want you, just you, to look at them." her eyes darken "No one else will know what I mean but you will. You were in that cell with me. You will know what I mean." she takes in a shakey breath "Good luck, Kathryn."

The screen turns to black. My pale, tear stained reflection stares back.

"She called me Kathryn" I hear myself say.


	13. Flux

Touch.

It's incredible really. Your nerves coming alive as you press against mass, as you press against temperature. Your brain scans through its database as it takes on such a barrage of information.

Touch. It's the sensation of existence.

I run my hand against the walls of Voyager and rely of my sensation of existence. The growl of the warp engine emits in a low baritone as I continue on deep into the bowels of my ship. I am fully aware that as I place one foot in front of the other I follow the final foot path of one BE'lanna Torres. I feel her with me.

I stop. I look down at the PADD filled with my former chief engineers notes. I know I'm getting close. I can feel it in there air.

"I feel like I'm sneaking out of the house while my parents are asleep." I murmur to the air

"You? Sneak out? You surprise me, Captain" I can almost hear BE'lanna retort from somewhere beyond.

"You would be surprised. I was a little firecracker in the Academy. If my father knew half of the mischief I got up to he would have had a stroke."

"Kissed a few to many boys? Went dancing after curfew?"

"I once broke into the Dean's office and changed my schedule around so I could sleep in."

"Were you ever caught?"

"Of course not."

"You knew how to cover your tracks?"

"First rule of mischief, really."

" could have had the makings for a good Maquis."

I can't help but smile. My poor father must be dizzy from rolling in his grave so many times.

I see it now, just a glimmer, the wall only ripples ever so slightly. The only sign of a temporal flux.

"Oh my god" I breathe "This is bigger than we thought."

I had been taking a tally. I found the first six stops BE'lanna had listed where she found a "patch" of temporal flux. Not a large area, but just enough to notice something was off if you're looking for it. This is the fifteenth flux I have found.

Usually, a temporal flux would be in much larger in size, it could be a single room up to half of the ship. But no, this time the flux's appear in the nooks and cranny's. Sometimes they will disappear but will always come back in due time. In the hustle of limping Voyager across the Delta Quadrant, the flux's are infrequent and small enough that naturally any of the crew would miss it. Any of the crew, except for a very shrewd engineer who live in the details….lived in the details.

I kneel down next to the contorting corner as I scan from a safe distance.

"Six centimeters"

"Roughly the same size as the others."

"I imagine it won't grow in size like the other's as well."

"But why!? Why in patches? Why like this?"

"The patches come up at random, so it's unlikely for this to be a calculated attack."

"No nebula's we have punched through lately….shockingly."

"One more out of you and I might have to bump you down to Ensign." I chuckle

"Can't bump down a ghost" She teases

My face falls. Her silence is enough of an apology. We must carry on. No time for tears. Is there ever time? I swear it has become my new mantra.

I lean back on my heels as I come back to reality. I, The Captain, am prowling about my ship in secret. My crew assuming I have locked myself away in my ready room, my commbadge masking my bio sign thanks to the notes of my once tricky engineer. Now I sit here in the bowels of my ship and find my self talking to a person who is no longer here.

They say grief hits you in stages, in little moments, instead of all at once. A form of mental survival I would assume. I just can't decide if these little moments are bouts of complete and unforgiving clarity, like a cold splash of water crashing against your face. Or if these little moments are when the truth is too much and your sanity breaks. You would assume with the realization that I am talking to air, that I have found clarity. But I disagree. The fact of the matter is, as I sit here in the silence of my ship, I am painfully aware that my sanity is slowly slipping away.

I check the time. I check my notes. I control my shuddered breaths. I have what I need and its time to get back.

Turning on my heel, I take a backwards tour of the last whereabouts of BE'lanna. I do so quickly and with less precision. I wind my way up through the jefferies tubes and thank my luck for not encountering an unsuspecting crewman working away at some faulty connection or simply scrubbing a plasma relay. I make it almost to an exit when I hear a click and the whoosh of air pressure releasing from its confinement at the exit door swings open. Seven leans down and pokes her head in to see her very bewildered, wide eyed captain staring back up at her. Seven simply raises an eyebrow.

"Captain."

"Seven."

"Are you lost?"

"No, Seven."

"Do you need any of my assistance?"

"No. Thank you, Seven."

I inched forward in order to make a quick escape when another face popped into view. Naomi Wildman's lovely blue eyes were suddenly a mere inch from mine.

"Captain?"

"Miss Wildman"

"Arn't you supposed to be in your ready room?"

Damn. Caught red handed. I was about come up with some sad excuse when something glimmering in her eye caught me be surprise. It was excitement. It was mischief. Mischief.

"Naomi?" I ask slowly "At what time do classes end for you?"

"This is my last one!" she replies gleefully

"Pop by my office when you're done. I'll be needing my assistant today."

"Aye Captain!"

I take joy in the way her small figure stands a little taller when I address her by her unofficial title. I clamber out of the tube and quickly find a corner for me to transport back to my ready room.


	14. The Walls

She stares back at me with those unrelenting eyes. She doesn't look at me with pity or with amusement but she stares at me nonetheless. Our cells are adjacent to one another, there is no escaping her.

Naomi may be dead. She is in sickbay. Her little body shifting, finding its way to it's temporal setting. I fear that it will kill her and in turn it will kill me.

I stand here a guilty, stupid woman, leading a sweet little creature into danger. I wanted to investigate more of the ship but didn't want to raise any eyebrows. So I had little Naomi tag along as my decoy. When I would investigate a patch she would "bump into" the most suspicious crewmen passing by and would ramble on about what she had learned in school that day, ask if they knew where Neelix was hiding or if feeling loving she would simply give them a big hug. It was exhilarating for her to be on a "super secret covert mission with the Captain!" Her eyes were like glowing sapphires. I reveled in the way she looked at me. I ordered her to stay well away from the patches and she did. Of course it would be my foot to slip into a flux, of course it would be me to let out a surprised yelp, and of course if would be my brave little assistant to try to come to my rescue. I can't have Sam lose Naomi like Tom lost BE'lanna. It's to cruel.

The Ensign stares and when she stares at me, she stares at the husk of what I once was. I know I'm still here. A small part of me. But my actions are not of my own. My emotions are not my own. I usually find a way to be ten steps ahead but lately I am ten steps behind. I usually am able to look at a problem with laser sharp focus but lately everything is so muddled. I am not a wilting flower. I do not flounder. I do not succumb to fear and panic. I may be stubborn and difficult, my family has made me well aware of that through the years. But that stubbornness has kept me alive and thriving in many situations where that is not a likely option. What scares me is not my weakened attention or energy to move forward. What scares me is my lack of will. I have lost my will to fight. I have lost my will to lead. I have lost my will to be.

Who the hell are you, Katie? Where did you go? I think this often.

What truly scares me is that something far greater than what my weakened mind can comprehend has taken a hold of something that has been so untouchable. The Unbreakable Kathryn is a moments notice a way from breaking. I have never really fallen for the allures of religion but in this moment, I pray, I pray to the greater good that it will forgive me for my failings.

Her eyes bore into me.

"Stop." I demand

She continues as if I haven't spoken.

"I said stop!" I call out.

She does not relent. When I was her age I had trouble merely speaking with my superior officers let alone hold a fixed stare. But here she is looking at me, her gaze burning my skin, roasting me alive. I can't take it. I stand and approach the mouth of my cell. I stare back. Her blue eyes do not blink. As we hold one anothers gaze I can feel her searing into my retinas.

"That's an order!" I scream hoarsely

To my surprise and quite frankly my horror, I see the corner of her mouth quirks up. I see a crooked smile that is all to familiar. I see a smile I've seen in family photo's, on my mother's face, in my sister's laugh, in my very own mirror.

How dare she.

I feel my crushing shame ignite into a fury I have not felt in years. My muscles twitch and spasm as my body is physically unable to handle the severity of my emotion. I feel my throat reverberate in a low animalistic growl. I will her to stop. She does not. I lift my hand to strike her and I strike hard. My palm collides with the level ten force field and I feel the volt of pain reverberate throughout my body. I stumble back and cradle my hand against my chest. I take in my surroundings and the agonizing reality of being so helpless settles in. My fury dissipates and is replaced with suffocating black. When did the universe feel so heavy? I feel as though I'm being crushed. The faces BE'lanna and Naomi dance across my mind. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to see. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't live like this.

"Kathryn"

I look to the guard but he is not looking at me and he stands to far for a whisper to carry towards me. Odd.

"Kathryn"

I look to my chest to see if a message is being broadcast over the commline but remember Chakotay had removed my badge just twenty-four hours ago when I willingly walked myself to the brig and when they placed me in this cell.

"Kathryn"

It's then I realize the voice is not in echo and it is female. She's in close range. I look to the Ensign. Her smirk has softened but it's still there.

"You know don't you?" she asks

I say nothing. Her voice is young but not as high pitched as I had imagined.

"It's all right there. You know." She says to me with such confidence

Her voice is surprisingly soothing. There's a warmth to it that reminds me of home.

"Wha….What do you want?" I ask firmly

Suddenly, she goes blank but her stare still burns. I want to run from her. I want her gone. But at the same time I want to be near her. How have I been on the same ship with this woman and not have noticed this creature before our capture? I cannot deny that from the moment they threw her at my feet I felt the distinct urge to guide her, protect her, and to love her. I have the urge to care for the well being of all my crew but something about her in particular burrowed deep into my soul. She leans in, ever so slightly. Her essence calls to me. I step forward.

"The walls." She calls to me

"The walls" I breathe

The walls. My eyes widen and dart about my surroundings. My hand throbs all the more as I clutch the fabric of my collar but I pay no mind.

"BE'lanna" I croak

The Ensign nods.

"The walls" I say again.

The smirk, my smirk returns to the Ensigns lips. I take in a shakey breath and take five steps back. The Walls. I crouch into runners starting position. I feel my heart pounding out of my chest. As if a gift from the heavens above, the moment I begin to feel the doubt trickle in, I notice a "temporal flux" patch waver in the top right corner of my cell. I look forward to the Ensign. She stands rigid at the mouth of her cell. I see her hand, resting at her side begin to turn. Her palm turns towards me and her fingers twitch up into a "come hither" motion. Our eyes meet.

"The walls" she calls to me "You know what they are. Do it."

I lurch forward but I waver.

"Do it!"

I fill my lungs with air.

"Do it now!"

With my battle cry emitting from my body I sprint forward, one foot right after the other. In two strides I am there and I spring forward, my arms spread open into wings, wings to carry me to the truth. I feel my body crash into the force field. I feel volt upon volt of energy ripple through me. By body collides onto the ground. I look up to the ceiling as flashes of light dance before my eyes. I am aware I now lay outside my cell. Someone is kneeling next me. Someone else is calling my name. My body seizes and dances against the flat surface. Despite the pain, despite the thousands of needles shooting through my nerves and white hot explosions of lava erupting throughout my brain I want to laugh. The walls aren't real. The walls were never real.

Commander's Personal Log [Audio Only]

Stardate: * * * * *

Log:

I don't want to put in the date. I don't want to put in the time. I don't want anyone to find a way to that moment, her moment of weakness. Or should I say madness? At least not from my account. You know she works so hard to not appear human. It's infuriating. She wants me to believe that when you are Captain you suddenly must turn into this machine that can only run on coffee and protocol. I've tried to remind her thats not true and that I clearly don't buy it. But you know what? I guess I've got a little rusty. I almost forgot. I almost…..she's stable. Well, as stable as a person can be after the event.

She's starting to come into consciousness every once in a while but its hell, she makes no sense. For the past few days she has kept repeating "The walls arn't real. The walls aren't real". Is she trapped in a spirit world? Is she calling from the other side? It's….hard. It's hard to hear. She sounds desperate. The Doctor explained that it is normal for patients to be confused when attempting to re-enter consciousness. But I fear for her. She sounds so….so trapped.

I know I should believe she is just talking gibberish. I should believe that when she will awaken she will chuckle at her incoherent ramblings. But she reminds me of a story my father once told me…

Thunk.

Hello?

End Log.


	15. The Curious Mouse

Once, there was a curious mouse. The mouse would love to explore the land, the rocks, the trees and the river. The mouse spent it's days discovering the elements around him. But one day, the mouse wanted to explore the darkest part of the forest. The mouse set off to discover a land full of the unknown until he was stopped by a wise owl.

"Where do you go, curious one?" The owl asked

"I'm going to the darkest part of the forest!"

"Why would you want to go there, curious one?"

"To see what I do not know!"

The mouse simply wanted to learn more but the owl knew better.

"Do not go there little curious one" The wise owl forlorned "there are spirits there you do not wish to know."

"I wish to know!" the mouse argued

The mouse scurried past the owl and continued its journey to the darkest part of the forest. The day dragged on and the sun continued its journey through the sky as the mouse grew closer to its destination. Suddenly, the mouse was stopped by a clever fox.

"Where do you go curious one?" asked the clever fox

"I'm going to the darkest part of the forest!" exclaimed the mouse

"That is no place for a little mouse like you! Why would you want to go there curious one?"

"To see what I do not know!"

"Do not go there curious one" The clever fox warned "There are creatures there you wish you have never met."

"I wish to know!" the mouse retorted

The mouse scurried away from the clever fox and continued its journey to the darkest part of the forest. The sun had made its journey across the sky and was soon to sleep underneath the horizon. As the land is painted in hues of orange and pink the mouse approached the mouth of the darkest part of the forest. Before the mouse could enter he was stopped by a mysterious snake.

"Where do you go, curious one?" asked the mysterious snake

"I wish to enter the darkest part of the forest!"

"But you are so small and you smell so delicious! Why would you want to enter curious one?"

"To see what I do not know!"

"Do not go there" warned the snake "Once you enter, the monsters in there may never let you out."

"I wish to know!" cried the mouse

The mouse scurried past the snake and entered the darkest part of the forest. The moon hung high into the sky and the land was painted in hues of blue. As the days passed, creatures of the land would ask one another "Have you seen the curious mouse?" but the answer would always be "no". The mouse would be never heard from again with the exception of when a curious creature reaches the entrance of the darkest part of the forest, the creature can hear a tiny voice say;

"Do not enter the darkest part of the forest. Some places are better off unknown."

"She's very much a curious mouse." The Klingon woman replies with a sad smile

"Very much so" Chakotay replies in kind

They turn to ever curious woman, laying unconscious on the biobed.

"She forgets I understand her" the Commander murmurs as his thumb runs over fair, freckled knuckles, "I was a Captain for a long time before Voyager. I know the drive to be more and the crushing feeling when you can't be. I know the curiosity of being an explorer. I know it. But she forgets."

"Not like you to be bitter"

"I wasn't trying to be."

"I know"

The air is heavy and the tension prevalent. The Klingon woman leans in and places her hand on her dear friend's shoulder.

"So she's taking more time than we thought to wake up, thats ok. The Doctor says she stable and her brain functions are firing at all cylinders. She'll be ok, Chakotay."

"She's been talking more. She thinks you died. She thinks a few people are dead. She thinks…." he takes in a shaky breath "I think she wants to die."

"She'll wake up. You can't give up on her."

The tension snaps. The large man stands abruptly. His eyes ablaze. His friend looks up unfazed.

"How dare you!? I would never! I have devoted myself to Voyager, to her, to all of this! I have never backed away! Never! Don't you dare start accusing me of this now!"

"When did you rescue us from the Ludere?"

"What?" asks the large man, his features painted with confusion.

"When did you rescue us from the Ludere?" BE'lanna repeats dully

"A couple weeks ago?"

"One month and three days" she replies sharply "How many times, barring your shifts on the bridge, have you left her bedside?"

"A few times?"

"You only leave when I inform you that you smell like an andorian bore. You then take a ten-second sonic shower then come right back. What do you think she would think of you wasting your time here?"

"Wasting my…"

"We were poisoned Chakotay! We were poisoned and tortured!" BE'lanna barks as tears sparkled in her eyes "She let them take her and do worse to her so they wouldn't do worse to me. You know why? Because she's a damn good Captain! She had to trust that I would find a way to notify Voyager of where we were while they did god knows what!"

The woman stops to catch her breath and Chakotay's sits down in quiet shame and shock. It had been the most his long time friend had spoken of her time locked away with her Captain. When the two were beamed back aboard they were both unconscious. Thanks to BE'lanna's resilient Klingon genetics, the woman was able to fight off the worst of the alien poisons used for torture and interrogation. The women were found in an odd medical facility on an asteroid.

The Ludere was once simply another unknown species asking why a small, strange alien ship was floating through their space. Their faces hidden, they only communicated through garbled audio but appeared friendly enough to allow them to travel through safely as long as they were willing to trade. Happily Voyager agreed. All they asked for was "human knowledge". They had never heard of humans and wanted to know more. They called upon the Captain and a scientist to take a roundabout to meet them upon an asteroid for simply an hour for them to meet a real live human. It didn't take long for the crew to realize that "human knowledge" was not simply a lesson in human history. The women's biosigns disappeared quickly and so did any trace of the Ludere upon the asteroid. For two weeks Voyager darted about Ludere space searching for clues of where their crew members had gone and what was or had happened to them.

Chakotay and his crew were nearly convinced they had seen the last of their beloved Engineer and Captain until they received a distress signal from a near by asteroid. That is where they found them, abandoned, unconscious and abused beyond words.

"You have to trust her. You have to let her come back on her own. We are out of their space but that might not be the last we ever hear of them. You need to take care of the crew. That's your job. She needs you to do your job."

"I'm sorry." Chakotay replies softly

"I know. You're a complicated man but sometimes you can act so simple" BE'lanna replies before punching him lightly in the shoulder "Go shower. Take a nap. I got get back to work."

Chakotay nods and he watches his dear friend exit the sickbay. The Commander allows his mind to wander until he hears a groan that breaks his train of thought.

"Who" Kathryn moans in her sleep

"What?"

"Who….you"

"Its me. Chakotay."

"En…si…ensign."

"There's no Ensign, Kathryn. There's no Ensign."


	16. To Explore Is To Study

I awoke washed in white. White walls. White sheets. White smock. But she stands out like a sore thumb in her black and gold. She lounges in a chair next to my bed, her head rests in her hand and it appears she has awoken from a slumber just as I have. Our tired as eyes meet.

"Morning" she drones

"Whe…where am I?" I ask, my voice rumbling with exhaustion.

"You didn't make it all the way but you gave a good try."

"Make it? Make it where?"

"Outside the walls."

"Walls?" I echo but then I close my eyes and reality sets in "Oh"

I look at her as I try to pull my thoughts into a cohesive strand. Her mouth quirks into a smirk and she begins to chuckle.

"Why do you always look like that?" she asks me so breezily.

It appears the allusion of my authority is no longer in play. We are aware that this dance, this game we were playing has been altered and the rules have changed.

"Look like what?"

"Like you are the loneliest person in the world."

Her answer surprises me. To be more exact, her blunt approach surprises me but the answer in itself does not. I am lonely. I choose loneliness. My solitude comes with the title. You have to be detached to make the big decisions and I admit that ever since my path has crossed with The Caretaker I have used isolation as a way to avoid grief. If I avoid my grief then I can avoid the crushing reality of losing everything I love.

"I don't know what…this is…but I need to get back to my ship" I claim

I attempt to sit up but every nerve in my body cries out in agony. I cry out as well. I lay back down shaken and frustrated. I feel with the Ensign's more honest approach my mind feels less muddled but in that the situation is now all the more….what? Absurd? Sad? Infuriating? I don't take well to being made the fool. I don't take well to games as well.

"Who are you?" I ask with a huff

"I think you know"

"I'm tired of this little game!" I snap "I need to wake up! Get out! Move on! I have a crew and a ship depending on me! I need to get home!"

I sit up this time, slowly. My body protests but with less force. I look her her. She looks back with no fear.

"You're more aware now. This is the good part. This is where we get what we both want."

"What is that?"

"Answers."

"Answers to what!?"

The Ensign releases an exasperated sigh. She stands, stretches and makes her way to a small metal table near my bedside. There rests a single hypospray. She picks it up and wiggles it as she looks back at me.

"Will help with the pain." she explains before pressing it against my neck and releasing the medicine into my bloodstream. Immediately I feel relief and I am more than grateful.

"Thank you."

"Lets go for a walk" she replies as she hands me a robe that apparently had been folded at the foot of my bed.

I don't quit feel like complying but I am also aware that whatever role she may play in this situation, she may also be my ticket out of here . She maybe mysterious and unpredictable but thus far she has not been cruel to me.

I slip out of bed and stand on shaking legs. Without a word The Ensign helps me put on the robe and offers her arm. I accept her assistance with caution. We exit the white room only to enter a corridor in Voyager.

"Why did you kill Ensign Little Iron?" I ask

"Love"

"Love?"

"She loved me deeply. She made it clear. I loved her back deeply as well but I didn't say. I think she knew. But love gets in the way and when someone loves as deeply as she did then death is the only way to eradicate the problem"

"But to kill someone. To end their life that is irrehensable. I could never."

The Ensign stops and turns to me with a furrowed brow.

"But haven't you?"

"Excuse me?"

"He loves you and yet you kill the future with him. You kill the love and replace with drive."

"With drive?"

"Yes. You need drive to get you home."

"But I would never kill Chakotay."

The Ensign chuckles once more and shakes her head before continuing our walk.

"You of all people should know that death comes in more than one form."

"Who are you?"

"It will come to you."

Commander's Personal Log [Audio Only]

Stardate: ******

Log:

The spirits are awake and active. I speak of them and a book I have been reading about the spirits of my people topples to the floor. I like how ornery they are. It reminds me of my father, I feel he has been with me quite a bit as of late.

I've been running the ship from her bedside. I know I have my duties, my people and my honor to adhere to. But something deep inside me tells me there is more at play with Kathryn than just a simple coma. I speak to my spirit guide and he warns me of shadows in the soul, I speak with my crew and they say they feel at times they are being watched, I read what little I can on the Ludere and I am warned that they are always more than what you imagine.

A soft whimper.

I'm sitting beside her now. She's more active. There are more twitches here and there. She is starting to speak more. I think she is talking to someone but I'm unable to make out what exactly she says.

I am [sigh] I am in debt to Voyager. It has become my home as for my crew. I'm almost at peace if I am sent to the colonies when we get back to Earth because Voyager has been the peace I have searched for all my life. I have been the prey of fury since I was a young boy. The Elders in my village both applauded and feared me because of the fury that would erupt from my young body. I was a warrior. I am a warrior and a great one at that. But it kills you over time when that is all you are. But then I found Voyager and I have found true peace. As warrior it is my duty to protect my village, my people, and all that I care for. That is Voyager. My duty is to protect Voyager at all costs.

mumbling

But I fear…I fear Kathryn just might be that cost.

a groan

I'm don't think I'm willing to pay that price.

End Log.

The corridors we walk are arduous and I can feel each step prick needles throughout my body. But The Ensign's support does not waver and she does not mind that we walk at a snail's pace. Our conversation continues easily in a question and answer form. For the first time I am getting to know this woman who haunts my dreams and bewitches me so. Yes, she only really reveals herself in cryptic answers and knowing smiles. But I will take what I can get. It's a dance with her and step by step I will find my way back to my crew.

"You were never human."

"I like to believe after all this time I have a little humanity in me."

"You play it well."

"I'm a modern day Stella Adler"

"A what?"

"Did I just use a reference you didn't know? Well, thats a check for me."

I can't help but smile. The playful side of her puts me at ease despite the circumstance. I can tell she has taken a liking to me and I to her. Perhaps that is why I feel more willing to ask questions. As I continue to probe the game dissipates and in this moment, although we are at odds, we are equal.

"Is she dead? I mean really dead?"

"Little Iron? Your Engineer?"

"Yes. Both."

"Thats hard to say. You think and you live in a very…linear way."

"So in a linear form are they dead?"

"That will be up to you."

"I don't understand."

"You will soon."

"The symbols. Did they mean anything?" I ask

"Anything can mean something, Captain."

"I don't understand your strategy." I say with exasperation "The siren, the symbols, the silence, the killing…you have us running in circles but why? You have been with us for months now! Shouldn't you know by now we are on a mission of peace?"

"I do believe that you believe that."

I stop. She stops and turns to me. Her face is nearly blank but she holds a hint of expectation in her gaze.

"Then what do you believe in?"

"Tell me the mission of Starfleet."

"To explore, to discover new worlds, to…"

"…to seek what you do not know."

"Exactly."

"To explore is to study, yes?"

"Yes."

"Do photon torpedoes help you study? Do phasers with lethal ability help you study?"

"Thats for protection."

She throws back her head and emits a bark of a laugh.

"Captain" she chuckles "There is a difference between simple defense and obliterating one's enemy."

"Starfleet never has the intention to…"

"I'm tired." she states boldly but with a hint of resignation in her voice, holding up a hand to silence me.

My mouth snaps shut. It irritates me but this is the most forward she has been since we have met. She turns from me and places her hand against a panel. The black screen comes alive but instead of the usual controls, I see a white screen with the series of symbols that had been submitted into our database. I have poured hours into staring at these symbols, I have scoured over hundreds of alien text trying to make sense of it all, I have began to memorize the symbols by heart but it feels as though I am looking at them for the first time. With a wave of her hand she scrolls through the series of alien text until she reaches the very bottom. There, with the tip of her finger she spells out Ex astris, scientia. The motto of Starfleet Academy, "From the stars, knowledge." The words fade into the white and reappear as the alien text.

My eyes widen and she smiles.

"Notes. Its notes on Voyager. You've been studying us."

"Is it not the scientist's duty to seek what we do not know?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm simply what you do not know."

 

The EMH, listens blissfully to the rise and fall of the delicate soprano emitting throughout the sickbay. Opera has always put the mind at ease and stimulate the senses. The moment was pure. The unconscious Captain for once makes no sound and the EMH believes the music brings her peace. Perhaps there had been a glitch in the Doctor's subroutines at the moment because the hologram could swear that he could feel a very realistic pain in his chest when the computer notified him that the Captain's heart had just stopped beating.


	17. Volts

"What are your intentions?" I ask hoarsely "What do you want from us?"

"To learn what I do not know and I have" The Ensign answered cooly

"And what do you know now?"

The woman turns back to her wall of notes and stares for a long moment.

"Humans are…" she pauses pulling together her thoughts "…so simple and yet so complex. There is a deep longing and adoration for one another yet you set yourselves to such shallow levels. You have a such an ability to evolve yet you fall for your primal urges. But I can't blame you…." she turns to me with a look with what I can only define as motherly adoration "…you're so young."

I want to laugh. I want to mock the absurdity of a woman barely into her twenties calling me young. But I see it deep in her eyes, I can sense in her presence that she is far beyond the years of her exterior. Why did I not see this coming? It's not uncommon for creatures to shape themselves into a mold to better access human understanding. If a creature had the ability to mask themselves, what a perfect opportunity to study an oddity without the danger of being the odd man out.

"Have you made a conclusion?" I ask

She frowns.

"Can you really ever make a conclusion to a scientific study? They are always changing. But yes, I believe I have reached somewhat of a conclusion."

A cold creeps up my spine and I begin to sense a darkness looming near by.

"And what is that?" I ask tersely

She sighs and pats my hand that is still linked in her arm.

"I very much like you, Kathryn. I might even say that I will miss you," she replies softly "Do you know what is the most terrifying fact about an enemy?"

"No. What?"

"That they do not believe that they are the enemy."

"What are you saying?"

"Your kind is…worrisome. Every species we have crossed have been known to be destructive in their infancy, so I cannot blame your need for protection as you would call it. But in your brief history here in the great land of space, your kind has shown a characteristic that cannot be condoned and cannot be ignored."

"What?" I ask impatiently

"The dishonesty of your nature" she states plainly

"How in the world has Starfleet…has Earth been dishonest? We simply wanted to explore and meet new life. We have done that. Yes, we have had to learn through failures and through trials but we have always been in the search to do good."

"To do good for yourselves? For others?"

"Yes."

"What determines what is good? Why do you get to determine what is good?"

I look at her, bewildered. It has not been the first time that Starfleet and the human kind has been accused of arrogance, brutality and ignorance. I do forget how young my kind really is compared to other races. But over the few hundred years that human kind has travelled space, have we not fought to show our kindness? Has it not been Starfleet's goal to be a symbol of peace and unification? My father had spent most of his adult life defending that very goal. I strive to adhere to that goal every day that we spend drifting alone in this chaotic existence called the Delta Quadrant.

I have read the logs of Jean Luc Picard. I have spent years studying the history of alien species far more advanced than my own. I am aware of where this conversation will be going.

"No. I don't know if there will ever be a clear deciding factor of what is truly good and every species tries to find their answer to that. But I can assure you my people are a benevolent race. We have evolved into peace or at the very least working towards that. Please, whatever you're planning, at least spare my crew."

The Ensign simply returns a small smile before pressing her hand against the panel once more. The notes fade away to be replaced by what appears to be a timeline of Starfleet's history.

"Look at this. Years…years of jumping planet to planet telling creatures what is good and what is right. You have built quite an empire. You have convinced a number of species to throw away their beliefs, their culture, their essence…to what? To represent what the human deems right. You have destroyed civilizations with a pleasant smile on your face. With diplomacy you have eradicated what it meant to those creatures to be unique and to be their own. "

I feel anger bubble up inside me. I will not stand by quietly as all that Starfleet has fought to be accomplished be torn apart.

"We have been peace…" I begin

"You have been poison!" she spits before I can continue

We pause as we glare at one another. I realize our arms are no longer entwined and we face each other in raw form. No more games. No more hidden walls. No more.

"We have never asked a race to throw away what they believe in or who they are. That's the very reason we have the prime directive!"

"Oh yes. A list of rules that you so conveniently ignore when the situation suits you."

"Fine." I half whisper "For the sake of argument. What if we are completely wrong? What if everything we have done is in vein? Then what gives you any more right than us to decide? What places your decisions above the decisions of my crew?"

"Nothing" she replies cooly "But you see, Captain, I just have one advantage in this situation."

"What is that?"

"That when an intruder is in your home and is threatening your safety, you have the right to eradicate the threat."

"So by being lost in the Delta Quadrant I'm a threat to you!?"

"No" she says before dropping her voice to a maternal tone "It's because you are human that you are a threat to me. Though it is not your fault and I have seen the endless good in you." for the first time I see real emotion dancing in her eyes "….even though I have grown so fond of you and your crew. Your nature threatens livelihood and it is my duty to protect that. You have to understand."

I turn from her and make my way down a darkening hallway. I scan the walls searching for a sign of escape. Where is a force field to fling yourself into when you need one?

"Where are you going?" The Ensign asks not bothering to follow

"Back to my ship!" I bark back

"I'm afraid that's not possible"

"To hell it's not!"

The Sickbay is a flurry of motion. The Doctor races about the room of a hospital as he attempts to revive the intrepid Captain. He is well aware of each second passing by, narrowing his chances to not only revive her but ensure she will return to him in one piece. Quickly, he places a cortical stimulator upon her forehead. He checks the volts, his thumb hovering over the button that will send a surge throughout her body.

"Kathryn" The Ensign calls out to my retreating form "This is out of your hands now"

The hallway is easing into near pitch black but I venture on. I wonder how she got a hold of the controls in Voyager, if she has others now taking over Engineering. But then I remember about the walls, the feeling of hurtling towards the other side. I reach out, blindly. Once again, I rely on my sensation of existence.

"Kathryn" she calls again, her voice floating behind me

"I didn't realize we were on a first name basis"

"I would think crying in a cell over me would break down a couple walls"

I slow but do not stop.

"That was before….this."

"I'm sorry that I hurt you."

She sounds sincere but I continue into the darkness.

"You know this is futile."

"Is it?"

Suddenly, the lights in Voyager comes in to life in one bright flash before dying out all together.

The Captain's body seizes as the volts run through her but she collapses back down onto the biobed, unaffected, not moving. The Doctor raises the voltage.

"I will not go to your Earth. I will not destroy your people…"

I stop. I should take some relief in that but it does not ease the impending doom upon my ship and crew.

"….but I cannot allow you to return home." she continues

"Why?" I ask the darkness "We will be gone. Out of your home."

"You said it yourself" she replies "You are explorers. A crew lost for years returns home with tales of creatures and places they've never heard before. It's only natural for the need to for them to come see for themselves."

I turn to the voice floating behind me.

"This doesn't have to end this way. We can make a deal…a treaty! I can promise you that Starfleet will not enter your territory. We can set a boundary!" I plead

Her body jolts off the bed but returns to stillness. The Doctor raises the voltage, just a hair.

The lights are alive once more and I jump back when her face appears inches before mine. I back away slowly as we are plunged into darkness once more.

"Treaties can be broken. Boundaries can be ignored."

"I understand but…"

"Kathryn, you're dying."

The darkness is heavy and only growing in its strength. A hand gently brushes against my face.

"This can't be it"

"Shhhh"

The darkness feels so heavy.

"I can't let this…"

The darkness is consuming.

I'm pulled into a warm embrace.

"Let go, Kathryn. Its time to let go."

"Come on Captain!" The Doctor urges as his thumb hovers over the button.

"Wait!"

The Doctor presses the button.


	18. Awake

When Phoebe was little she would try to rouse me on Saturday mornings from my teenage slumber by sitting on my chest. Her little boney knees would dig into my skin as she climbed a top me and she pressed down with gusto. I remember that moment before full consciousness where I can see nothing, hear nothing but I could feel a weight pressing me down. She was so small but for a while she was able to press me down, I swear I could feel her slowly pressing my ribcage into my organs.

In that moment, before consciousness, I would attempt to pull in oxygen but none would come. All that I knew was the pressure sinking into me. But then I would catch a whiff of cranberry juice flavored breath, I would open my eyes to see a mischievous grin coated in a red sticky substance. I would growl and send her hurling off the bed.

But this time there is no giggling little sister pressing down on me. There is no mischievous smile to open my eyes to.

"It won't be much longer…" she coos into my ear

Her embrace is unrelenting and I am unable to shake her off.

"Oh god…" I croak

I gasp as my throat constricts from the pressure now seeping in under my skin. In this moment, this last grasp of what is called life, my mind has never been so clear. I feel her breath against my neck and I am so suddenly, so painfully aware of the woman who is now stroking my hair.

"I know" I gasp "I know…who…"

"Shhhhhhhhh"

"I know who you are"

A loud crack echoes around us and the hallway is illuminated by a white hot light.

The Mistress of Kahless cried out to the abyss. The blood upon her armor, the blood upon the rocks, the blood upon her hands, the blood that spilt from the wound of her own doing. The blood was the truth that had been unspoken.

"My mate" Kahless wept "What have you done?"

"To my house…..I bring honor" The Mistress replied "To myself…..I bring only dispair."

"But you must bring death to your enemy" Kahless pleaded

"Then I must bring death to myself." The Mistress wheezed "For it is myself who is my greatest enemy"

Breath. It comes in small but rhythmic waves. I struggle to swim to the top of the sea of nothing. Breath. Each wave fills my lungs slightly more each time. Light peaks through and sound returns. Shuffles, beeps and mutterings. I yearn to know more. My head twitches towards the sounds. A moan. More light filters in and melts into vision, the vision of grey. A ceiling.

"Captain?"

A voice. A voice that sounds like home.

"I…." I croak, barely audible.

"Don't speak. Take it slow." The Doctor informs me

My vision clears and I become aware of my surroundings. There is color, there is sound, there is light and I am thankful. The Doctor waves his tricorder over me as he takes in my vitals. A hand grasps mine. I twitch my head once more to see Mr. Paris standing over me.

"You're all right Captain" he says softly "But you've been in a coma so I can't have you jumping off this table to battle Chaotica's Army of Evil."

I groan.

"Can you blink for me?"

I blink.

"Thats great" he says with such pride and such warmth "Blink once for yes and twice for no. Do you know where you are?"

Blink.

"Are you in sickbay?"

Blink.

"Are you on a ship?"

Blink.

"Do you know which ship?"

A tearful blink.

"Are you on the USS Starship Columbia?"

Two blinks.

"Are you on the USS Starship Voyager?"

Blink.

He continues with his series of questions and I answer. I can see both Tom and The Doctor relax with each answer.

"I've been expecting you to awake soon" The Doctor informs me "You have been reacting to outside stimuli for sometime."

"Chakotay is going to be so mad" Tom chuckles "The one time the big guy leaves your bed side you wake up."

"Oh dear" The Doctor gasps before slapping his commbadge "Sickbay to Acting Captain."

The title makes perfect sense but it is odd nonetheless to hear.

"Is this an emergency Doctor?" Chakotay's agitated voice replies "We are dealing with one monster of a problem in Engineering and…"

"She's awake"

A heavy pause.

"I'll be right there."

I concentrate on various objects around me. The lights above me, the crisp crease of The Doctor's sleeve, grooves of the fabric of my hospital gown. I take it in as I allow my mind to return to reality. Within minutes I hear my first officer's heavy footsteps. Then within a moment, he stands above me with a gentle grin. He looks tired, a little beaten but he's all in one piece.

"Welcome back, Captain." he greets me softly

"Happy….be back" I struggle to say, then it hits me. We have a situation on our hands. My eyes widen and I reach out towards him. My tired muscles work through air with the consistency of mud.

"Life form!" I earnestly inform him

"What?" he replies in confusion

"Give her a moment, Commander" The Doctor assures him "She may need a little time to be fully aware of her surroundings."

"No" I protest "The Ludere! The lifeforms!"

The name of my captors tumbling from my lips has caught the attention from the room. Chakotay looks at me for a long moment. I can see the thousands of explanations to my outburst rolling through the rolodex in his mind. My hand now grasping his wrist gives him a gentle squeeze and I urge him to understand. I urge for the years we have spent lost in space, side by side, will help him find the words I cannot say. Sadly, we do not have the time for my recovery. Here in the Delta Quadrant, the time for anything waits for us along with all we have lost in the Alpha Quadrant. Slowly, the pensive stare begins to melt away. He leans in slightly.

"Spirits? They've been communicating with you?"

"No….poreal"

He nods. He will always speak in fables and riddles. I will always speak in formulas and calculations. But thanks be to god, we almost always know what the other is saying, no commbadge needed.

"If there was an alien life form effecting your brain functions we would have known!" The Doctor retorted "We have scanned multiple times."

"But…." Tom offered "We did note high energy fluctuations in her brain waves."

"Also, non corporeal lifeforms are incredibly hard to detect." Chakotay chimed in

I felt a rush of relief as my ever trusting team picked up on the clues I had so desperately fought to give.

"Crew….can't" I struggled

"Take your time" The Doctor informed me once more

"Crew…ca….can't sleep."

"Is that how the Ludere attack? They effect you when you sleep?" Chakotay asks

I nod.

"That would explain why you both were comatose when we found you." Tom added

"Did you communicate with them? What do they want?" Chakotay urged

"Out…space. Out..of their space."

"But we already are."

I shook my head.

"Delta is…is their space."

"And if we don't leave soon?"

The answer did not need to be voiced.

"We could be here for decades. How are we going to persuade them to get us off their backs?" Tom asks with a hint of exhaustion in his tone.

"We leave." I say matter of factly "We….make them….think we have left."

"How do we disguise ourselves from non corporeal beings who can enter our minds?" Chakotay pondered

"BE'lanna?" I ask

Do I ask of her health? Do I ask for her presence? Do I ask of her whereabouts? What I ask in her name I am unsure but I know I am in need of her in some sense. Tom calls for BE'lanna and their conversation follows almost verbatim to the one The Doctor shared with my first officer. We must convene. We have a plan to make. Once more we must think our way out of the impossible.

The Doctor scurried off to his office to retrieve all medical information he could find on both the Ludere and my medical occurrences of the past month. Tom stepped away to continue his medical duties. I continue to appreciate my surroundings and revel in the comforting hum of Voyagers core. That very hum, the heartbeat of the ship, reminds me that I am still here. I'm very much here.

Chakotay perches himself on the edge of the biobed. His face painted with a question he's afraid to ask.

"Penny for your thoughts….Commander? I ask in my slowly recovering speech

"When you were asleep" he begins quietly "You would talk. You would talk to the spirits or images in your dream. You would talk to a number of the crew but there was one crew member you spoke in great length of but never gave the name."

"Ensign" I reply dully

"Yes. But you never gave a name. Who was the Ensign?"

I close my eyes for a moment and once again I can see the crooked smirk. I open my eyes and glance down at my hands. I flex out a couple fingers and reminded once more of my mother's hand. I smile sadly before looking back up at dark questioning eyes.

"Me." I reply "The Ensign was…me."


	19. Energy

I walk the corridors of my ship with my hands behind my back. I greet Voyager like an old friend. I have missed her and I feel in a sense she has missed me. I reach out and brush my hand against the cool, sleek surface of the walls. I am alive and awake once more. The cogs in my mind now turn with full steam ahead. I would like to say it is as if my stint in slumber I awoke from a week ago had never happened, but I still sense her. She echoes in my thoughts, she lets herself to be seen in the corner of my eye. When I sit in my ready room, I half expect to look up to see her leaning against the doorway with that all knowing smirk.

Ludere

I repeat their name to myself. I like the way the name feels against my tongue. I taste Ludere like I once tasted that chocolate little droplet.

Ludere

Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, somewhere in the firing neurons where my smirking intruder resides, I recognize that name. But how could a name of an Alien race so very far from the Alpha Quadrant sound so familiar? My mind roams my conscious as it attempts to place Ludere when I feel my body collide with another. We both stumble for a moment before my hands find her upper arms and we steady one another. I realize that I had been so lost in my thoughts that I did not notice a crewmen stepping out of their quarters.

"My apologies, Crewman. Are you alright?"

"No apologies needed, Captain. I should have looked where I was going."

I look down to into to familiar dark brown eyes, destinguished cheek bones and carmal skin. Her eyes are so dark they are almost black, almost as black as the space that enveloped a floating casket carrying the body of an innocent victim.

"Ensign Little Iron" I gasp

"Yes, Captain" she replies in surprise

"How…how are you?"

"Fine…Captain" she replies in confusion

I realize I am still gripping her arms, I step back in embarrassment, releasing the poor girl from my grip and quickly adjust my uniform.

"Captain…" she inquires quizzicly "Are you alright?"

"Of course Ensign, Thank you. As you were." I reply before quickly making my way past her and out of her sight.

The relief I feel to see that girl alive is an explosion of warmth within my chest. I feel the warmth transition into fire. As much as I can respect an enemy who will notify their plans to strike, I can almost respect an enemy more for firing at will. When you are striked upon you know where you stand. But when you are constanly reminded of the empending blow you are left squirming in your seat. I believe that when you take joy in watching your enemy squirm you are no longer a soilder, you are a bully. I don't like bullies.

I make my way towards the meeting room with my mind reeling and burst of energy. I find my senior staff all seated and ready to go.

"It's good to have you back, Captain." Harry greets with his boyish charm.

"Thank you Harry. Good to be back." I reply

"You look well rested. Sounds like you had some exciting dreams." Paris quips

"It's because of those very dreams we need to figure our way out of this mess." I quip back before taking my seat at the head of the table "What have we got so far?"

"All sensor scans show no activity within all ranges." Harry replies "We have tried deepening our scans by reconverting power from the deflector ray but nothing."

"Any unexpected changes in the ship?"

"Surprisingly none" BE'lanna interjects "The Warp Core is up to code, no chages in the gel packs. Other than our usual glitches to patch up here and there, everthing is running smoothly."

"Good" I reply "But keep a watchful eye for any changes, especially where we have any vulnerabilities and report them immidiatly."

My chief engingeer nods and is quick to add my command on her endless seige of notes.

"Doctor" I say turning towards the EMH "What are the vital signs of the crew."

"They are not exactly in harms way but there has been signs of hallucinations, growing sense anxiety and a few spouts of vertigo. The electronic energy within their brains has been increasing at micro levels every hour."

"It seems as though we have overstayed our welcome" Tom quips

"And this is their eviction notice" BE'lanna adds

I sigh and slowly rub my temples. No matter if you battle with photon torpedos, swords or bare hands, its a battle of wits. Its a matter of guessing the next step of your opponent and attempting to get into their mind before the next blow. But this battle is on a much deeper level than attempting sabatage the next move. This battle resides in deep into the ID. If I lose this battle, there is not hope left. She has infiltrated my crew in the most intimate level. She could labotamize us at any moment. She could turn us into vegtables. She could change our personalities, erase our empathy and make us the monsters we fear to be. What raises the stakes in this scenereo so drastically is not because of who we are fighting but who we are.

If we lose who we are as starfleet officers, as Terrans, as people, then we have lost completely. I will not have that.

"There must be some opposite energy we could use to detract these beings." Harry says

"Yes but these beings are residing in the neural pathways of our crew. Random energy bursts could could cause major effects if not death."

"We have to try something Doctor."

"Well yes, but I am a Doctor not a murderer. We can't be thrusting energy waves into people's brains all willy nilly!"

My eyes fixate on the impossibly smooth surface of the the confrence table. The dull symphony of my collegues arguements. Their voices rise and fall in the plundering waves of conversation. I should feel the surging annoyance, or agitation that forces me to find a miraculous solution. Voyager has found her ways in and out of situations at the last minute, on a moment's breath, by the skin of our teeth. I always say to Chakotay with a smirk "We will figure it out. We always do." But I am aware of the fact that my heart still beats, that my crew still scampers about the halls and that Voyager still hums along the Delta Quadrant is largely in part of pure dumb luck.

Luck, like so many of life's uncomprehendable gifts, is fleeting.

I look for her in the door way, in the corner of my eye and even in the reflection of the confrence table. But she is no where to be found. She's waiting for me. I can feel her lounging comfortably on my sanity.

"I have to go back"

"I'm sorry Captain?" Chakotay asks as the bickering heads quiet and turn to look at me.

Unbenounced to me, I had voiced my realization. I let out a breath and smile meekly.

"I have to go back. I need to go back under."

"You can't be serious." BE'lanna states tersly before quickly adding "That can't be the only way."

"We can't very well shut down the working brains of an entire crew, there is no time portal or worm hole to jump into." I point out blandly "Time is of the essence and our only fair chance of survival is diplomacy. This…. being clearly wishes to speak to me so simply putting me under will be our best chance."

"There has to be a way we can communicate without taking serious risk to your health" Chakotay replies

"But so far she has only spoken to me and seems more willing to listen to me." I state "If I can get her to back down then we maybe able to get out of this without more of the crew being effected."

"This could get you killed." Chakotay reminds me

"Yes. But if it means keeping Voyager safe then it's a risk I'm willing to take."

For a fraction of a moment, Chakotay looks as though I had just slapped him. But then his shoulders slump and his features rearrange back into a calm demeanor.

"Perhaps we could set up some kind of a neural commlink without you going completely under" Paris suggests earnestly

"We could easily set up a neural holographic image like we did for the Viorsa when you had to speak to that Clown freak." BE'anna chimes in

"Ugh clowns" Harry grumbles before a visable shiver rolls over him.

We share in a much needed chuckle.

"I don't think she'll fall for it. This one seems smarter. She has been studying us for quite sometime." I reply

I see her clearly now. In my mind, I can repaint the scene so vividy as she looked back at me with sleepy eyes and a knowing smile in that all white hospital room. She always knew I would comeback to her. She is me.

"She did let you go" Tom interjects "I mean I know you struggled with her but it did appear it was only when the creature eased off your neural pathways you were allowed to wake up."

"Yeah? So?" BE'lanna asks

"So I'm saying….whoever this being is…she likes you Captain. If she let you go once she can do it again."

"But is it worth the risk?" Chakotay quietly urges

I stand, I feel anxious and the room feels small. Voyager feels small. I turn to look at the large windows behind me. It's an odd habit you pick up as a Captain. I've seen so many of my leaders look out into the stars as they weigh their options. I realize that space is very much like the mind. The expanse is beyond basic understanding, it can be trecherous diving deep into the unkown but there is the knowing that something incredible is waiting to be discovered. I look into the expanse of space, the expanse of my mind, in search for a bright idea to answer to our latest crisis.

"There must be a way that we can perform the same trick but with more of a diversion. We need to distract her from knowing that I'm not completely under." I say quietly "Some way we could even the playing field."

"Perhaps….instead of going to her. She could come to you." Neelix chimes in

I turn to him and feel my eyebrows raise.

"What do you mean?"

"Well it seems that that this energy person has a lot of control in our heads. I just wonder what would happen if the creature could fight just as well out of our heads."

"You know, Neelix might be on to something" BE'lanna says slowly "Doctor, is there away we could project The Captain's energy patterns in the Holodeck? Project it into an image?"

"It would take sometime to get a full reading but I can't see why not."

"We would have to reconvert a good amount of energy to allow the Holodeck to translate that much data but we are able to do it."

I smile warmly at my cheif engineer. I admire that little moment when she transforms from a brooding young woman to eager inventor. I have a strong feeling she could be considered one the greats when we get home.

"It seems we are in for one hell of a holonovel" I reply after a long pause and I can see my crew relax slightly before I continue "How long do you think it will take to download the data and set up the Holodeck?"

"Transmitting all the data will take two days" The Doctor answers sternly "I can't make it any less."

"Beefing up the Holodeck won't take to long but I would feel more comfortable working with the Doctor so I know what amount of data and energy we are looking at."

"Do it. Tom I want you in sickbay full time, The Doctor will need all the help he can get with the crew."

"Aye, Captain."

"Harry try to find ways to reconvert power without effecting our sheilds. I want to be prepared for any surprise."

"Aye, Captain."

"And Neelix…" I allow my voice to soften "Try to find some ways to help relax the crew, put them at ease and get some nervous energy out. I have a feeling the next few days will be a test for crew moral. Without using the Holodecks you have my permission to do what you feel is best."

"I won't let you down, Captain."

"Well, if that is all then you are dismissed."

My team stands quickly and exits. I turn back to the windows. After a moment, the room is silent but I feel his presence.

"How are you Chakotay?" I ask without bothering to turn around.

"Attempting to digest Neelix's Leeola Root and Bolian Moss stew. But other than that I'm fine."

"Bolian Moss? That's a new one."

"It's as bad as you think."

I steal a glance at him as he stands beside me. We share a smile.

"You find me reckless." I state

"I find you determind" I replies

"You know protecting this crew if my top priority. Until we reach home I have to keep them safe."

"I also have to keep you safe. Also, this crew needs you."

I have heard him say that a million times and in a million different ways. He sees my need to sacrifice myself at every chance I get. When he looks at me and sees past my walls, my captain's mask I feel violated. I feel stripped naked and shown bare to him. It terrifies me that I am seen and it terrifies me that one day he won't see me at all.

"What happens when the Holodeck is set up?" He asks

For a moment I wonder of the question is redundent. A set up for a blow. But I answer anyways.

"I face her and I ask her to stand down. I hope to make a treaty."

"You will be facing her alone." He states

He has realized that though he won in me not going under, his true fear had not been avoided at all. I will be going against the one opponent he will never be able to protect me from. Myself.

"If you havn't filled up on moss already…" I offer quietly "I have some carrot cake I've been saving up to replicate."

"I have the perfect ale to pair it with."

His large hand rests on my shoulder and gives a light squeeze before he slips from the room without another word.


	20. To The Colosseum

I stand before the Holodeck door and I feel as though I'm about to step into the lion's den. I take in a deep breath to center myself. A hand is placed on my shoulder.

"You don't have to do this" my first officer offers with a tender smile.

"You know I have to" I reply

"I will be keeping a close eye on your vitals" The Doctor informs me as he makes his final adjustments to my moniter "At the first sight of serious trouble you will be transported out faster than you can say caffeine dependancy."

I hear his quip but don't bother to respond. I am a spartan soon to enter the colosseum. I am Odysseous about to face the Cyclops. I nearly smirk at that final thought. Life in the Delta Quadrant is not to far off from the trials of the Odyssy. She awaits. I can feel her radiating behind those sliding doors. She's ready to go and so am I.

"I know your little friend likes to be unpredictable but my team has been sure to prepare for any surprises she wants to throw at our systems" BE'lanna infroms from somewhere behind me.

"I know you'll set her straight, Captain! The crew believes in you!" I hear Neelix chirp from my side.

"The Holodeck is ready and secure" BE'lanna informs us

I nod and the doors open. My group drawls in a breath to see nothing but black. She gives no details away. This program is made for my eyes only. I take a step forward to see if my movement would cause any change.

Nothing.

"Be strong, saith my heart. I am a soilder." I say as I slowly make my way into the unknown "I have seen worse than this."

I step into darkness and by instinct close my eyes to take in a deep breath. I smell wild flowers and feel a gentle breeze brush against my skin. Indiana. I don't have to see it to know. My eyes open to see my farmhouse. I approach it with a tender but tentative smile. I can see the old porch swing where both my sister and I were taught to read. It's also where Pheobe experienced her first kiss. A windchime brought home from my father on one of his many away missions, sings in soft soprano notes. I step into my home.

"Hello?" I call out timidly

I'm not surprised by the silence.

Again, by the call from deep within I make my journey towards my father's study. I make my way down the long hallway decorated in family portraits. My graduation, my parents wedding day, birth announcements, family reunions, relatives who had lived and lost in a time that can seem almost imaginable.

I walk past the large yellow kitchen where my mother tried so desperately to teach her stubbern first born to cook. I can almost smell her cooking and but can nearly taste my father's famous root beer floats. I make my way past my sisters old room that was once littered with posters and crumpled up drawlings. Why is she so hard on herself? Can't she see what an impeccable talent she holds? Why won't she see the effect her work has on others? She had once brought tears to a stranger's eye from a small painting of the meadow from outside her bedroom window.

I hesitate at the door at the end of the hallway. I know it's just an illusion, a mixture of photons and force feilds but stepping into his domain since the accident is always hard. That is exactly why she brought me here, a strike to the solar plexus. I turn the knob and the door creaks as it is slowly opens. I'm surprised to not see the young woman lounging in the office chair with her feet proped up on the desk. Though her flare for the dramatics reminds me so much of Q, I understand that she perfers the art of subtext. She may paint for me in large and abstract brush strokes but it is the smallest of details she wants me to look at. So I scan the room, examine the papers on the desk and finger the spines of the books collecting dust on the shelves. I read over every title.

"The History of Starfleet; A Story of Unification and Determination"

"The Feynman Lectures"

"Cryptonomicon"

"Cochrane: The Life and Legacy"

"Sex At Dawn"

My eyebrows raise as I take in the title of last book.

"Sex" a voice says behind me "Almost more fun to say than to do really."

I turn to see her leaning in the doorway, her arms crossed against her chest and smile that does not reach her eyes.

"Ensign" I greet

"Sex" she continues without missing a beat "The word is like the action. You start out timid with the s and then you just sail into the word, head first. It's a lot like falling in love. It feels good on the tongue too." she takes a step into the room as her hands gesture in animation "Then you end on the x. It's abrupt but slightly fizzles out and then you realize you wished it never ended. You worked so hard to feel that euphoria and then it all ends."

She looks at me expectantly and I at her.

"Is that why you put a sex book on my father's mantle?"

"Do you like sex?"

"Ensign." I state warningly

"Do you prefer men or do you enjoy the complexity of the more familiar sex?"

"Can we just speak as civilized beings?"

"I have a feeling as a scientist you would want to try a little dabble in everything the body has to offer."

"I asked you a question."

"I asked you to leave"

Her statement stings. She looks at me with eyes of steel. Her posture remains relaxed but her anger is known.

"That is all we are trying to do. We are stranded. We are a lifetime of travel away from home. You must understand…"

"I understand well enough" she cuts in "As I have explained, I do not believe you or your people intend harm. Your people are trained in empathy and respect. Its admirable."

I smile faintly.

"But.." she sighs "You have such a long way to go and your nature comes to the surface far to easily. You are not ready to coexist in my space."

"But why kill us? Why sentence us to death?" I implore "Does that make you any better?"

"Better? No. But smarter? Yes."

Her arrogance irks me but I digress.

"Then lead us out of your space. You can ensure we do not cause any harm to your people."

She chuckles and shakes her head. We are going to end up talking in circles and I am not the one to waste precious time. I look at her for a moment before exiting the study and without question she follows. I step into the kitchen and out the side door.

"What are you doing?" The Ensign asks with a hint of amusement

"You're pulling this from my memory, yes?"

"Yes."

We approach the shed and I swing open the aging door. I take a moment to glance around the dusting remnants of my childhood. I push aside Pheobe's old skates and my mother's two broken sewing machines. I crawl over my father's many attempts at side projects to ease a busy mind. Finally, my searching hands find dusted leather padding. I pull out two size small boxing gloves.

"Then you will know what these are for" I reply holding up the aging gloves.

She scrunches her nose before replying "As much I love the omage to your first officer, lets go a more suiting route."

The world around me shimmers out of existance and the gloves in my hand dissapate. Soon we stand in the excersise training center of the Acadamy. I smile as soon as I recognize the place.

"You took fencing for a semester, right?" she inquires as she hands me my fencing gear

"Yes" I reply simply

"Don't worry, I'm no Picard either, but I thought this would be fitting for the conversation."

"You certainly have a flare for dramatics"

She simply smiles before slipping into her gear. I admit I feel ill at ease being unable now to read her expressions but so far our ways of communicating have brought us nowhere. At the very least, it buys us time.

We face eachother, turn, take fives paces and turn to dual.

"Unguard!" she cries

We begin.

"What are your readings?" Chakotay asks

"No sign of distress" the hologram replies

"Everything is holding up" BE'lanna chimes in, anticipating her friend and commanding officer's next question.

"Don't worry, Sir" Neelix says assuringly "If we know the Captain then we know she is giving that….that…thing what for!"

"She's only been in there for ten minutes" BE'lanna sighs "I'm already anxious with anitcipation."

"You and me both, Leutenant." Chakotay replies "But if we also know the Captain we know she would not like us just standing around. Doctor I would like a report on the Captains vitals every half hour and BE'lanna I need to be informed at the first sign of trouble. Anyway we can assist our Captian, we will."

"Aye, sir" the two reply

"To your stations"

"Aye, sir" the group replies

She's strong and skilled, that's for sure. But thankfully I'm not nearly as rusty as I would have believed. I have also become quite attuned in the power of adrenaline in my career. I block each swing and blow thus far. I nearly knock her off balance with a surprise twist of the wrist, turning her sword nearly out of her grasp and stepping forward into her her stance. She corrects by returning the action, we strain in a lock before releasing and stepping back.

"You're a wothy opponent, Captain." she pants

"I don't have to be" I reply

She jabs and I block.

"I wish that were true. But you know where we stand."

"Do I?"

I swing towards her feet and she jumps.

"We shared a brain. Don't you remember?"

"Yes, but you were the one pulling the strings."

She takes a jab to my side and I block barely in time.

"Give yourself more credit, Captain. You found your way out much quicker than other beings I have encountered."

"That doesn't erase the stunts you pulled."

"Stunts?"

I step in once more, she anticipates my move, but then I smack her sword downward, twist the combining weapons and jolt sideways. The sword flies out of her hand and the series of changing of the positions cause her to lose her footing. I am quick to pick up her sword, I hold them both in one hand and remove my mask. She does as well.

"The silent, sniveling girl you once were" I state coldly "The chocolate box, the meandering like a lost puppy about my ship, Esnign Little Iron" I flashback to the coffin ejected into the lonely space of the Delta Quadrant "The walls, BE'lanna, and then leading me back to my ship but only almost. Only far enough for me to die at your hand and for me to be aware of that. You toyed with me, Ensign. Like a cat with a mouse before the kill, you played with me. So tell me, for a such an enlightened and greater being, why would you be so cruel?"

She stands, slowly. Her features, dark.

"I just wanted to speak in your language?"

"My language?"

"Like a human. I speak in cruelty."

"I don't believe you."

"Why?"

"Because you are smarter than that. You know there is more to humanity, you have seen it! You've seen it in the crew, in how we love eachother, support eachother. You see it in my memories and how I took care of you. No…no you're trying to hide something."

"What on earth could I be trying to hide."

"I don't know but I'm going to find out."

I lift the sword for her to take but the weapon disapears from my hand and once more the scenery changes.


	21. Ice

My world reimagines itself and now I stand in a garden, not just any garden, my aunt's. Chairs are lined up facing an elegant arch decorated in pink and white roses. A soft breeze causes the pink ribbons tied around the chairs to dance and sway. We stand at the mouth of the aisle. We stand where I should have been years ago, where my life never began. I know Mark would have looked at me in a way I don't deserve. I know he would try his best to appear stoic and relaxed. But I also know his lips would curl into a broad, toothy, unapologetic smile. I know his eyes would shine with pride and maybe a tear. He would pull me close after we had vowed ourselves to one another, after we had walked back down the aisle arm in arm and laughed as our loved ones made a joyus ruckus.

He would pull me close, trace a finger over the fabric of my dress and say "God, Kath. You're incredible."

"Ready to be stuck with a crazy woman?" I would tease

"I'm ready to be stuck being crazy about you." He would reply

She watches me as I take in my surroundings. I don't look at her. I can't.

"Why did you bring me here?" I ask

"Because you wanted to talk about fear."

"I'm not afraid of marriage."

"No. But you were afraid of Mark."

My eyes dart to her and I glare.

"He's a great man."

"Unquestionably. That's probably why you fear him."

In Starfleet, men created all new ways of life and continued to lead humanity into our next step of evolution. Some great men were great in the destruction they could cause simply through the power of their words and the fear they could wield. I was always cautious around both but I had never truely feared them.

"Why on earth would I have feared the man I loved?"

"Because he saw you. You were not a mystery to him."

"You're trying to distract me with emotion."

"Certainly not. I'm making a point."

"Arn't you always" I mumble

She chuckles. I decide to be honest.

"Of course I feared what he would see. He met me when I was broken and I was still somewhat broken when I left for Voyager."

"And now?" she asks, clearly intrigued with my unexpected answer.

"I'll always be I think. But isn't that the heart of humanity? To be fractured. To be imperfect."

"Maybe so."

"What is it you fear?"

We look at eachother before I take a seat in one of the chairs. She joins me. She appears to be irked. I assume I'm not reacting the way she would hope.

"I don't fear you if that's what you're hoping?"

"I wasn't"

She leans back and thinks for a long moment. We share the silence. We share the thought.

"I fear nothingness."

"Do you think humans are nothingness"

"Of course not"

"Are you nothingness?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Are you going to be nothingness?"

"We're getting off track!" She states harshly

"Oh really?" I snort "Was diving into my lost love the track we needed to be on for our diplomacy?"

"This is not a diplomatic meeting."

"I disagree" I reply as I gaze at her "You could of killed me long ago. You could have killed me multiple times, along with my crew. But you havn't. You need something from me."

"My arn't you assertive today."

"Helps that I don't have a corporal life form lounging in my cerebellum."

"Cortex"

"What?"

"We only reside in the crebral cortex….at least when residing in Terrans."

"So you've done it before" I breathe. I can't help it. The scientist in me is much stronger and more bull headed than the Captain. She wants to know all and see all. The hunger for knowledge is never and will never be satiated.

She gives me an incredulous look.

"Long before The Caretaker started playing his games. Just a couple inactive Borg drones."

"Facinating" I reply genuinely

She smiles weakly.

"Do you like to kill?" she asks in a tone of unexpected softness "You have killed many in war and in unavoidable situations. You may have believed you were doing good but did you like killing?"

"No. I hate that part of my career."

"Then you must know how much I hate the idea of killing you. I'm not a monster. I have bonded with your crew and mostly with you." she places a hand on my arm and I don't pull away "I know you fear death. I know you may fear how I would bring along death. But I promise you. I will not bring you or your crew pain. You just have to let go."

"You know I can't allow that."

She lets out a huff in annoyance and looks forward once more. I take in her profile. I examine the downward turn of her mouth. I examine golden wisps of her hair that dance in the breeze. I examine the way her bottom lip slightly pouts as she mulls over her thoughts much like my father's did when he searched for the right words to say. Suddenly, it dawned on me. Understanding washed over me like sunlight on a new day. I should be angry. I should be furious. I should be gearing up for battle. But I feel understanding. I feel peace. After all, she did warn me that she would be back. I place a hand on top of hers. She turns to me to see me smiling.

"What?" she asks, a hint of hope in her voice.

"It's fun this time around. I have to admit it."

"I….what?"

"The first time you were so cut and dry when you appeared as my father. But this time…this time you really did your homework. It was more fun this time around."

She raises her eyebrows.

"Your conciousness truely is impeccable."

"Thank you. Have you been in my head the whole time?"

"No. I went back to my matrix when you told me to. But I left a door open."

I remember seeing the image of my father turn his back and step into the glowing doorway leading to where I promised myself I would never go, at least willingly. A shiver runs through my body as I recalled my first officer's desperate cries as he helplessly attempted to breathe life into me. Breathe Kathryn! God damn it! Breathe! he brought a force of godlike strength as he pressed against my inert body in attempt to recreate life. It was gorgeous and horrifying being forced to observe.

"Why don't I feel violated?"

"We've been one long enough."

"Take me there."

"Where?"

"Take me to where you will hurt me the most."

"It doesn't have to be like this. Just let go. I promise you no pain in my matrix. You will feel more joy than you can imagine. It's greater than human understanding."

"This is a battle for who I am. You are dying.."

"This no.."

"I'm done with games" I state before she can begin "You can't expect to know me this well and not expect me to go without a fight. Take me there."

"What's the point? This is all fabricated." she says gestering lightly to the holodeck we reside in.

"You said there's a door. It's not over yet. Take me there."

She looks at me somewhat bewildered. I look her. Unflinching.

"Take me." I command with force.

We stare into eachothers eyes as the summer breeze turns bitting and heightens into intensity until it is a blistering winter roar. We are perched upon a slab of ice beside the groans of the sinking shuttle. Inside the shuttle holds two pieces of my heart. Two pairs of hands that once held mine turning blue and two hearts that beat with love growing still. Did they think of me in the final moment? Is it selfish to wish that it is my face that passed their weary mind as the frozen water claimed their dying breath?

My back is rigid. I do not move a muscle.

"Look" she instructs "It's part of it."

My eyes are watering. Though she is my enemy, I grip her hand.

"Look" she says once more

Slowly, my eyes tear from hers and I turn to the sound of groaning metal contorting to freezing temperatures. The stern of the ship slowly decends into its final resting place. A groan exits my lips. The ice creaks and pops. The wind screams against my ear drums. We make music that is only played in the devil's chambers.

A commbadge chirps.

"Sickbay to Commander Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"There's been a change in The Captains vital signs."

"Is she in danger."

"Not exactly. But her heart rate has increased and body temperature has dropped."

"Sounds odd but odd is to be expected. We are under orders. We don't pull her out unless there is serious danger. Keep me updated."

"Aye, Sir."

"Thanks, Doc."

I see the last of the shuttle vanish into the icy tomb. My blood is as cold as the water below me.

"Were you there?" I ask distantly "Were you there with them in their last moment?"

"I was not. But one of my kind was."

Finally, the anger sets in. I turn to her.

"I forgot what a leech you were." I state

"I believe you called me a vulture last time" She replies with a smirk "A vulture and a coward. I've been told that's what Justin called us as well before he gave in."

As crisp as her words, my fist slices through the arctic air and collides against her jaw. No sound emitted from her lips until her body thuds against the frozen floor and a small groan breaks the silence. I loom over her.

"You will NOT have me" I growl

She rises to strike but I quickly retaliate with another blow to her stomach. She crumples once more to the ground.

"Nor my crew" I add

I want to strike her once more. She glares up at me as she wheezes for air. I want to slam my fists into her body over and over until the pain of my father's loss, Justin's loss, Voyager's loss, leaves my body. I want to cause so much damage she would be unrecognizable. But that is not Starfleet. That is not Kathryn. So I start to walk away.

"Computer end pro…" my words are cut off as her body collides with mine and the air leaves my body as we connect once more with the ground. Pathetically, I attempt to fight off her clawing hands as she fumbles with my moniter. Though I knew what was about to happen, I couldn't fight the surprised yelp followed by a howel of pain as the moniter is ripped from behind my ear. I elbow her sharply in the side as I crawl forward. It would be better roll to face her to fight or to attempt to stand. But I know her next target is my commbadge.

The blows to her sides are slowing her down but she will not cease. I can feel her ragged breathes on the back of my neck. With all my might I reel back and turn us to where I slam the both of us backwards towards the ground. She wheezes and her grip loosens. Quickly I scramble out out of her hold and snatch the badge off of my jacket. I back up.

"Get up" I call out to her

She continues to wheeze and glares at me. She looks at me as she if she is about to retort when we hear the first of many loud pops. From where she lay the ice begins to crack. It is then I realize that the shuttle had weakened the ice around the crash site and our little scuffle wasn't doing much help.

"Get up!" I cry out

She scrambles but struggles with the speed the ice is crumbling beneath her. I move to help her but realize in horror that ground beneath me has shifted as well.

"Computer end program!" I cry out

Nothing.

The Ensign makes a lunge for me but as quickly as she pounces, the icy water is there to swallow her up. I lose the last of my equillibrium, the moment my leg sinks into the water, I lose my grip on the badge. As the first pinpricks of a thousand needles touch my nerves I can't help but think….

God I hate the holodeck.


	22. The Light That Dims

"Report!" The Commander demands as he steps into the sickbay

"The change was sudden, everything was on par but the cortical moniter was suddenly removed. I had her vitals reading on the commbadge but we lost that as well."

"Damn. What were her vitals before you lost contact?"

"Elevated heart rate and dropped body temperature but as I said before nothing out of the ordinary."

Chakotay slaps his badge "Chakotay to Torres. Any improvements?"

"I don't understand" The Klingon woman replies in disbelief "I installed the best of my firewalls, failsafes and traps but its gone through all them like its nothing. Chak…I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. Use your team if neccessary."

"Aye…Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"The safety protocal has been shut off."

A pause. A realization. A moment of agony. The Commander returns to reality.

"We need to get control of the holodeck again. Use whatever means necessary. This is a top priority."

"I'm on it."

"Doctor."

"Yes, sir?"

"Join BE'lanna in Engineering. The minute she gains any control of the Holodeck I want you to be able to moniter the Captain."

"Right away, Sir."

Silently, the Commander calls out to the spirits beyond in hopes that they will guide the Captain to safely and selfishly to him.

Weightless in water, I am adrift. My body is encased in agony. If I had the ability to gasp I would. I need to move. Weakly, I attempt to swim to the top and realize my desperate need for air. I am unable to see so I kick upwards and force my limbs to propel me to what I hope is safety. How can cold be so heavy? Why do I forget that freezing can feel like lead? I pray my father didn't experience this in his final moments. I pray they were both unconcious and drifting into slumber. I shake my head in an attempt to shake them from my thoughts. My strength is depleating at a rapid rate and my limbs are burning. Is this the end? I can't go now! I have so much to do! Suddenly, the water dissipates and I lay once more on an icy floor.

I gasp and sputter as the remaining water exits my lungs. My body convulses as the cold still tampers with my muscles and nerves. I hear a groan and look over to see the Ensign in the same state just a few feet away from me.

"Co…cou…couldn't take…u…us..sss…to a warm…er…climate?" I sputter to her

"No" she states "en….ends…ends here."

"T…t…to he…hell….with you!" I growl

Against the protests of my body I pull myself onto my hands and knees. I make my way to her. Hand forward. Knee forward. Hand forward. Knee forward. My trek is pathetic but my resolve is steady. When I near her I am expect a surprise blow or at the very least a biting retort but I recieve nothing. She's trying desperately to pull her self up but failing. I watch her for a moment. Her palor is greying, her muscles spasm under her efforts to move and the aggravated grunts she releases sound so desperate. She looks up to glare at me. Her eyes, those beautiful blue grey eyes are losing their spark.

"Yo..you're…dying" I state

She says nothing. She only glares. I have seen her die hundreds of times. It usually happens in my dreams as I teleport to that cell. She feels so real, so tangable in my arms when I see the light in her eyes leave. Funny, how in a moments notice we go from a person with actions, emotions, hopes and dreams into just another lifeless corpse.

"You're….dying" I state again "Yo..you're the one…..wh…who needs….to let….go."

"No!" she shouts

"Ha…how…how much….energy have you….you put into me?" I growl as I crawl on

"No" she whines

"Why….why are you sss…so…so deseprate?"

She manages to sit up slightly as I grow near. My body is screaming and I feel the grogginess of hypothermia drag me down, down into the ice, down beneath the ice, down to lay with my father and Justin. I should long to be with them. I should be panicked to be prostrated a top my nightmare, but oddly, I don't mind. They don't matter right now. Though my mind is hazed and speech is slurred, I can see clearly.

Wh…why…ssso…so…desperate?" I ask again "Are…a…are you…the last?"

With out warning she lunges and her hand clasps onto my throat.

The crew once as a sending off party now stands infront of the Holodeck doors contemplating the unknown.

"It has control of the entire Holodeck, it can adapt to whatever I throw at it." BE'lanna explains "But if we can get the doors open we can at least enter the program and help her out."

"The doors have a series of locking mechanisms. How do you suppose we get in?" Chakotay inquires

"Thankfully the doors work on a different system in order to not inturrupt a running program as people come in and out. We can blow them open easily. The trouble is, the computer will take note of forced breech and will try to shut down the program. I assume that…thing will circumvent the order but it will also be aware of our presence."

"I should also inform you that we do have a visual of the Captain." The Doctor chimes in "I do feel that time is of the essence."

The Hologram steps to a near by panel and types in his commands. The panel chimes in agreement to the Doctor's steady hand and the sleek black panel transforms into the vision of an icy tundra. The group lets out a small gasp as they take in what they see. BE'lanna lets out a growl.

"As I said…" The Doctor quietly punctuates " of the essence."

"BE'lanna" Chakotay chokes out

His eyes, dark. His tone, bitter. After years of service and friendship it was no surprise that the Klingon woman is already at task with an order that had not been spoken.

Cherry blossoms. That's what my blood looks like splattered upon the white. When I look back at this, if I am able to look back at this, I will remember my DNA as an impressionists painting. At first, she latched onto my throat as her nails dug into the skin of my neck. I gagged. Using my moment of surprise she surged forward and suddenly I am staring up at the sky as she straddles me with both hands squeezing my air way. So weak. So cold. So tired of it all. I thank the soilder in me for reacting with little thought. She is strong but she is small, she is lighter. I bend my knees and thrust my hips up, I snake my ankle around hers right before lurching to one side. We roll and once again I hover over her. I am quick to pin her down. She struggles beneath me and I struggle to maintain my control. So cold. So damn tired.

"Dying" I grunt "Let….go!"

She struggles still but with less aggression.

"Let go!" I growl once more.

She begins to cry with what I believe is frustration.

"Yo…your time" I say softly

She stills and looks into my eyes. I try to read what they want to say to me when suddenly she reels back the most she is allowed and slams her head into mine. I reel back as stars dance before my eyes and blood begins to gush from my nose. Before I can gather a thought a searing pain explodes into my side. I cry out and roll off of her. I clutch my side to find that I had been impaled by a knife of some kind.

"BE'lanna" Chakotay repeats with an edge of anxiety

"Give me a sec!" she replies as she clicks in a small explosive to the large doors

Her fingers are blurred in their rapid movements. The air is thick with anticipation and tension. The questions are eminated through furrowed brows and tightened lips. How badly is she hurt? What will the creature do when we enter? How much borrowed time are we on? Is it already too late?

"Step back" BE'lanna commands

The group obeys. A bang. Sparks fly.

I gasp. I gape dumbly.

I turn and she lays beside me. Though her skin greys and her eyes begin to dull an aura of light surrounds her. She places her palm against my cheek as I have done so many times to the members of my crew. She looks at me with a tenderness as I have done so many times. My blood soaked hand clutches her jacket.

Touch, this final sensation of existance.

"I go…" she mumers "then…whu….we go….t…gether."

A sob exits my lips. The cold has claimed us and the fight has abandoned us. She has marked me as her own. I may not enter her matrix but I will not go forward.

"Help me pull" The Engineer grunts as she threads her fingers into the small gap provided by the explosion.

The Commander joins in and the two groan against the heavy doors made to lock in a makeshift bio dome, a high tech soundproof system and another world of secrets. Sweat begins to bead across their brows as they struggle to cause any movement. The Doctor joins in.

Slowly, she becomes irridesent. My nerves prickle against her touch as the last of her life's energy dances against my touch. I gasp and sob. My vision is blurring with fatigue and tears. My side is ablaze. I can no longer hold up my head. I can barely see her now as she changes form.

A groan.

A curse.

Straining mucles.

Straining patience.

She wants to speak but as she once was in our time together she is mute. She dwindles and before me she is nothing but light. She is the spark in anothers eyes, she is the pitch in the laughter of a child, she is a burst of energy in your chest when you dance, she is the palpitation in your heart when you see the one you love. She is all that the poets, the philosophers, the scientists and the zealots have tried to describe as life. She is life and she is dying. She is light but she is dimming.

Finally. A creak and slight movement.

In this moment, I pray that my tears is a cleansing of all that we have done wrong. I no longer fear the taste of blood in my mouth. I understand there is nothing left but the inevitable. I whisper a goodbye to my mother, a condolence to my sister, an apology to my crew and a prayer for myself. She is now an ember and I dim along with her. She flickers in my hand, a parting glance.

"Go" I croak.

She is gone. I smile. All is well. We rest in peace now.

"Kathryn!" a voice cries in the distance.

For them I flicker, a parting glance. But it's my time to go. I greet the blackness like an old friend and I allow my light to dim.

Commander's Personal Log [Audio Only]

Stardate: ***ERROR***

Log:

I didn't expect anything….uplifiting when we entered the Holodeck to rescue the Captain. But it didn't make it any easier when we found her. We stepped into what appeared to be a frozen tundra. But as we neared Kathryn and the being, spaces of the simulation fazed out and quickly the facade was gone all together. From what I am guessing, the being had tapped into our systems and using its energy to create whatever picture it wanted. I think it is…was much like a leech. It needed a symbiotic relationship. For sometime, it used Kathryn and then jumped to the holodeck when it was expelled by the Doctor.

I….sigh….the night before I had been visited by my spirit guide along with my father. That is very rare. They warned me of the spirits of mischief and ones who like to play. They warned me of the absence of regret in others. What is a game to them is not to others. I feel we have encountered many such beings since entering the Delta Quadrant. I remembered their warning when we found Kathryn. She had been mortally wounded and had lost a lot of blood. I also believe she was bleeding internally. We watched the last of the being die out in Kathryn's hand. We scanned carefully, on every sensor for the being but found nothing. It is cold to say but all I could think was "good riddence."

I have to applaud the Doctor for his quick and well tuned work. It was touch and go for a long while but I swear that man can work miracles. Naturally, I can't tell him that. His ego is the size of a Malon Freighter.

As Commander, I trust in my Captain to return to her duties with a clear mind and ability to lead. She has proven herself to do that time and time again. As her number one, I will be sure to assist her in any way so that the well being of my captain and crew is ensured. But as a friend, a companion, I worry. I will never stop worrying. She is strong but she is still human. She is still flawed. She allows so much pressure on herself. I fear that all the late nights, constant stress, bountiful guilt, never ending work and the non-stop job for seventy odd years has weakened her resolve. I fear she makes herself a target for the playful spirits with the absence of regret.

End Log.

I lay on my bed, unblinking. I rub the spot on my side where I once had been stabbed. The skin is smooth and despite some tenderness it is almost as if the fatal blow never happened. It is now I understand why some Admirals decide to hold on to a few scars that mar their skin. I realize now that they needed a reminder of the time they had been humbled back to the basics of their humanity.

I hear the chime at the door. I close my eyes. It chimes once more. I don't bother to move because I know him well. He'll overide the code, as he always does. He will enter my quarters unassuming, as he always will. I hear his heavy footsteps and I count them until they reach the foot of my bed. I open my eyes to look at him. He smiles and I smile back. I roll to my side and he joins me.

His arms are heavy and his warmth is a nice change of pace from the cool recycled air. He breathes me in and I pretend that I don't care.

"She become so small" I tell him "She was nothing but a tiny little thing in my hands. I realize that is what I was to her, a tiny little thing in her hands."

"Hard to believe she was real" He says

"She was real enough" I reply

"She was" He agrees after lightly brushing a hand against my side

I roll over to face him. His eyebrows raise and he looks off into the distance. He looks like he's about to tell me a story but blinks and rubs his eyes.

"What's wrong?" I ask

"I really must be tired" he chuckles

"Why?"

"I swear the wall just flickered out."


End file.
